


Thy Mother's Daughter

by pandorabox82



Category: Holby City
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-03
Updated: 2017-07-02
Packaged: 2018-09-14 13:04:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 38,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9182968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pandorabox82/pseuds/pandorabox82
Summary: Serena has a heart to heart chat with Jac after the hug she receives from Jasmine.





	1. Chapter 1

****

"Where are you going? I thought we were getting drinks at Albie's before we went home?"

Serena gave a brief smile to Bernie as she shrugged. "You know what I like, and I'll only be a few minutes. I hope. If I'm not there in thirty, bleep me. Okay?"

Bernie frowned as she nodded, looking out onto the ward. Serena followed her gaze to see that Jasmine and Elinor were talking about something, and she felt her smile falter a little. "Okay. Just don't be too long. It's fish and chips night, after all."

She nodded absently as she left the office, skirting around her daughter and the junior doctor, praying not to be noticed. Soon, she was in the stairwell and making her way up to Darwin, hoping that Jac Naylor was still there. By the time she reached the ward, she was slightly out of breath, and she paused in front of the office door to take a moment and collect herself before knocking.

Zosia gave her a friendly smile as she left with Doctor Valentine, and Serena returned the expression as she lifted her hand and knocked firmly, waiting for a reply.

"Enter!"

Serena rolled her eyes a little at the annoyed tone as she opened the door and went in. "I'm glad to see you're still here. We need to have a chat."

Jac glanced up from the file in front of her to give Serena a bored, vaguely disgusted, look. She just arched an eyebrow in reply before taking a seat in front of her, clasping her hands on her lap as she continued to stare at Jac. "Look, I could have told you my sister was a disaster before you took her in on AAU. What has she done now? And where are you kicking her off to?"

Serena shook her head as she cleared her throat. "That's not exactly why I'm here. What can you tell me about your mother?"

Every emotion seemed to slip off Jac's face as her hand clenched tightly around her pen. It was obvious to Serena that she had hit a sore spot, but figured if she waited long enough, she'd get some sort of answer. "Why would you want to know anything about that woman?" Jac finally asked tightly, her gaze never quite meeting Serena's eyes.

"Because I have the feeling who your mother was has shaped Jasmine into the person she is."

"What? A manipulative, awful, woman who wouldn't know how to treat a patient, even if they were only here for splinter removal?"

The waspish tone took Serena aback, and she shook her head slowly as she tried to formulate her next words carefully, not wanting to set the woman off once more. "I don't think you're seeing her clearly, Jac." The woman's jaw tightened, and she hurried on, hoping to smooth things over. "She's really insecure, and desperately looking for approval. I noticed it first with Ric, and then today, with me, she kept trying to play super doctor, like that would somehow endear her to me. So, I ask again, what was your mother like?"

"She was a bitch, who only cared about herself and what she could get from you. She left me to the wolves, and I'll never forgive her for that. Even though I don't believe in it, I hope she's rotting in hell. It wouldn't surprise me if she left Jas with an inferiority complex deeper than the Marianas Trench. Don't get too attached to her, Doctor Campbell. She'll just end up being like a sick puppy you'll need to put down. It's better if you can do it without feelings getting in the way."

Serena fought to keep from clucking her tongue in disappointment with Jac, but still she frowned. "Maybe it's time someone gave her a chance to shine," she whispered as she stood. "Bernie and I are at Albie's for a little bit, if you'd like to join us."

Jac shook her head, looking back down at her desk. "I have a lot to finish before I can go home to Emma. Thank you, though."

Serena could hear the dismissal in Jac's voice, plain as day, and she nodded as she stood. "The offer's open any time you need to talk." Jac glanced up at her as she raised her eyebrow. "Have a good night," she murmured as she made her way out of the office.

Sighing, Serena went over to the lift and waited for it to arrive, needing the time to arrange her thoughts. She hadn't really gotten the answers she wanted from the surgeon, and that unsettled her all the more. Stepping onto the lift, she pressed the button for AAU, and tapped her foot as it went down, trying to put her finger on just why Jasmine's earnestness struck a chord in her soul.

As the doors opened on her ward, Serena stepped out and glanced around, trying to see what her daughter was currently up to. She couldn't find her, and Serena smiled as she stepped out onto the ward. "Oh, Ms. Campbell, you're still here! I thought that you went to Albie's with Ms. Wolfe?"

She turned her head to look at the very woman she had been thinking of, and gave her a small smile. "There was something I needed to take care of on another ward before I left for the night."

Jasmine nodded, her eyes impossibly wide as she rubbed her lips together. "Um, about the hug. I know, I totally made you uncomfortable, and that I shouldn't have been so forward with you, I mean, you had just extended your hand to me, that doesn't give me permission to invade your space like I did, but I haven't ever really been one to recognize boundaries, so many people will tell you that…"

Serena held up her hand to stop the torrent of words, and Jasmine paused, drawing in a deep breath as she looked down at the floor, unable, it seemed, to keep looking into Serena's eyes. Before she could stop herself, Serena was reaching out, resting her hand on Jasmine's shoulder and curling her fingers around the ball of the joint. "Office. Now." She hoped her words were a little more tempered than earlier, but from the forlorn way that Jasmine nodded, she knew that the young woman was still smarting.

The door closed softly behind her, and then she was guiding Jasmine over to the chairs, tugging her down as she sat herself. "I don't want to leave here, Ms. Campbell. This really might be my last shot, and I don't want that momentary lapse in professionalism to have derailed that. I am so, so, so very sorry."

It was a surprise to Serena that her motherly instinct came out in full force at the shaky tone of Jasmine's voice. Still, she pursed her lips together in an effort to keep from tearing up as she reached out and gently patted Jasmine's knee, hoping that she would look up at her. And when she did so, she never lifted her head out of her chest, and Serena felt her heart break for this lost girl. "Passion is what makes us all great doctors. You just need to learn how to temper that zeal with some restraint."

Serena gave Jasmine a warm smile, relieved to finally watch her draw in a deep breath and sit up straight in the chair, looking into her face. A shaky smile spread across her lips as she nodded, finally seeming to relax as she licked her lips. "I think I understand, Ms Campbell. Can I be honest with you?"

"Please."

"I really want you to like me? I know, that's stupid, that you're my superior, and all that. But, you're like the sun around here, and everyone orbits around you, wanting to be near you, and, and…is it so wrong for me to want to be amongst them?"

Tears were swimming in Jasmine's eyes, and Serena shook her head a little as she tilted her head to one side, giving her a sympathetic look. "You've been talking to Ellie, and she's probably told you that I don't give out gold stars." Jasmine opened her mouth to protest, which told Serena everything she needed to know. "Don't even try to deny it or defend her. I was hard on her, because my mum was hard on me. And I will expect your absolute best, Doctor Burrows."

She tempered her words with a warm smile, which Jasmine returned. "I will. For you."

"Good." Her phone bleeped at her, and she smiled to recognize Bernie's text tone. "That would be my cue to head over to Albie's. You're more than welcome to join us for a drink, I think we're going to be there for a little bit."

"We as in you and Ms Wolfe? Or will Cameron and Morven be there, too?"

"Cameron, most likely." Jasmine quickly nodded as she stood, blinking rapidly as she smoothed her blouse, her hands seeming unable to keep from moving. "Jasmine?"

"Yes?"

"There's no need to be so nervous here. I'm only going to judge you based on your merits as a doctor, not on who you are. You are a fine doctor, with the makings of a fine surgeon, and I will always encourage that. You are much more than you think you are."

The smile that lit up Jasmine's face would have been enough to light the room up, if it was electric. "Would you mind?"

Serena knew exactly what Jasmine wanted, and she shook her head a little as she stood, trying not to stiffen as the young woman wrapped her arms around her once more before bouncing out of the room. She released a long breath as she shrugged into her jacket and placed her hat on her head, going out to the lift and waiting for it. Her phone bleeped once more, and she tugged it out, taking a look at the screen. _Where are you? X_

She smiled as she thought about her reply. _Just finishing up here, darling. Should be at Albie's in 5, might have a tagalong_. Serena shoved the mobile back in her pocket as she stepped into the lift and pressed the ground floor button.

It didn't take long to get over to Albie's, and she smiled to see that Bernie had once more commandeered the chairs nearest the fireplace, a glass of red wine sitting on the table, obviously waiting for her. Their eyes met, and she grinned as she pranced over to her lover and took her seat, curling up on the chair and reaching out for the glass.

Bernie handed it to her, letting her fingers caress the back of her hand as she withdrew it. "Where's Cameron?" she asked before taking a small sip of Shiraz.

"He and Morven decided to call it an early night."

"Aw, really?" They both looked up to see Jasmine standing by their table, a small frown on her lips. "I guess I'll just finish this and head home, then."

"No, sit! We don't bite," Bernie murmured, gesturing towards the free chair with her wine glass.

Jasmine nodded a little as she sank down, copying Serena's pose. When she noticed the scrutiny, she blushed and went to move, but Serena shook her head before taking another sip of wine. "These chairs are made for curling up in. I love mine at home."

"Ah." A slightly awkward silence descended on them, and yet Serena couldn't help but gaze at the young woman fondly. "Did you have a good Christmas?"

Bernie swallowed her loud laugh, sputtering a little as she coughed and nodded. "It was great," she finally choked out, and Serena rolled her eyes. Jasmine frowned a little, looking between the two of them, trying to figure out what was going on.

"We had our whole family together, and it was a beautiful disaster. Too much _Doctor Who_ , a little bit of fighting and cold shoulder, and the most delicious gift…"

"Serena!"

She turned her head to look at Bernie, giving her a look as she shrugged. The first giggle slipped from Jasmine's lips, and she relaxed even more as she snuggled back in her chair and sipped at her wine. "I never said what your gift to me was. I'll leave that up to our dear Doctor Burrows. I'm certain that she has quite the active imagination."

Both Bernie and Jasmine sputtered on their drink, and she laughed richly as she twirled her glass around, watching the liquid swirl and splash. "You are going to be the death of me yet," Bernie murmured in her ear as she shifted in her seat, leaning in closer to Serena. Jasmine gave them a knowing smile as she gulped down a large swallow of her drink.

"Well, this was certainly enlightening," the young woman said as she polished off the rest of the wine in her glass. "I should probably head home though, and see what's going on there. Again, thank you, Ms. Campbell, I'll try to do you proud."

Jasmine stood and gave them a small wave before leaving their presence, and Serena shook her head a little. "I do think that you embarrassed the girl, Serena!"

"She'll get used to it, Bernie, especially if she's going to be around us for any length of time. I want to keep her as part of our family. She needs that in her life."

"Are we taking in another misfit, then?" Serena turned her head to look at Bernie, arching her eyebrow as she nodded. "I should have seen that coming, shouldn't I?"

"Yes. You should have. I'll forgive the momentary lapse, however." Glancing around to make certain that no one was really looking their way, she leaned in and kissed Bernie's cheek quickly before making herself comfortable in her chair once more. "It's amazing, really, how one mother can create two completely different daughters."

"That's why I'm often so glad that we can choose who's in our families, once we're grown. I'm glad that you're part of my family." Bernie reached out her hand, and Serena clasped it tightly, threading their fingers together. It was easy to be intimate like this, since they were in a safe place. "Now, speaking of family, I think that we should probably finish this glass and head home before Jason starts to text us, asking if we've forgotten the fish and chips."

Serena chuckled as she nodded, hurriedly swallowing the last bit of her wine before standing and holding out her elbow. Bernie set her glass aside and shrugged into her coat before standing and sliding her hand home in the crook of her arm. "You're driving, right?"

"Yes, darling." Serena let out a pleased purr as they walked to Bernie's car, using the cold as an excuse to walk as close to her as possible, thinking about how there really was no way of escaping the people who molded and shaped your early life, even if you so desperately didn't want to be like them. After all, it looked like she was her mother's daughter, and Jas was her mother's daughter, and knowing that might just help them to work together all the better.


	2. Chapter 2

Jasmine could only stare at the tremble in her hands as she stared out across the ward into the empty office that normally was still occupied by their co-leads. That night it was dark, still, full of every terrible thing that had happened that day. She could feel it, lingering in the air, falling oppressively about her shoulders, whispering in her ear that she was culpable for this whole sordid incident.

Morven reached out and touched her shoulder gently. "You should probably head home now, Jas. Our shifts are over."

She turned her head to look at her friend, taking in the tight, pinched, look on her face. "I don't want to. I want to stay and see if there's anything I can do for them. Someone has to look after them, right?"

Her eyes filled with tears, and Morven's face swam in front of her. "I'm certain that Fletch has that under control. And besides, Ms. Campbell's up on Darwin, with Elinor. I don't think that there's anything either of us can do at this point. Besides rest and come back tomorrow, ready to be at our very best. We're not going to let either of them down. Are we?"

Jasmine slowly shook her head before glancing back at the office once more. "No, I am going to do my best to be the doctor Ms. Campbell sees in me." Morven gave her a tiny smile before patting her shoulder again. "Have a good night. I might head to Albie's before I head home."

Morven nodded as she made her way down to the locker room. Still, Jasmine sat at the nurse's station and stared, trying to find the impetus to get up and do something, anything, that would move her forward. Still, a wave of guilt swept over her as she thought about how she should have insisted that Elinor get a head scan, to make certain that everything truly was okay. She had known that there were reasons Elinor hadn't wanted that, and that she should have had more of a backbone, been the doctor that Serena believed her to be. But she had folded like a cheap suit, not wanting Elinor to speak badly of her to her mother. So, here she sat, trying to think of a way to assuage some of the crushing guilt that was weighing down her heart.

Once she was certain that Morven had gone, Jasmine pushed away from the desk, giving Fletch a tiny smile as she drifted over to the room where Jason was recovering. It didn't take long to reach it, and she popped her head in, surprised to see Ms. Wolfe sitting near the head of the bed, her hand clutching Jason's as her lips moved without vocalizing anything. Jasmine had never taken Ms. Wolfe to be very religious, even though she couldn't say for certain that the woman was praying.

Stepping into the room, Jasmine let out a light cough before her brain could catch up with her heart, and as the woman turned her head and stared at her, her intelligent eyes piercing Jasmine to the soul. "I, I didn't want to go home without checking in on him. And you. And Ms. Campbell?" A part of Jasmine cringed at the fact that she sounded so inane, but the words were out in the ether now, and she couldn't recall them.

Ms. Wolfe gave her a small nod before beckoning her closer. "I don't want to speak too loudly, Jason's only just fallen asleep." Jasmine nodded as she stopped by her side, carefully sitting on the edge of the bed as she watched the woman. "Serena isn't ready to leave Elinor's side. She asked me to look after Jason."

The unspoken yearning for understanding hung in the air, and Jasmine nodded hurriedly, thoroughly getting what was being asked of her. Jasmine reached out and let her hand hover over Ms. Wolfe's shoulder, not knowing if it would be okay to touch her. Whilst Ms. Campbell touched everyone, from what Jasmine had seen, Ms. Wolfe was more reserved. "It's only right that you be here, seeing as how you're like another mum to him."

There was a quiver in her voice, and Jasmine pursed her lips together as she withdrew her hand, wishing that she hadn't said anything. Ms. Wolfe fixed her gaze on Jasmine once more, and she blew out a long breath as she tried not to react to the sorrow evident in the surgeon's eyes. "There aren't many who have picked up on that fact. Keep it quiet, yeah?"

"Of course, yes, whatever you want. I just, I'm really sorry this happened." Jasmine screwed her eyes closed, trying to will away the guilty tears that were threatening to slip down her cheeks. Jason let out a small groan, and she pressed her lips together as the sound pierced her heart. This was all her fault, she should have told someone about Elinor's problem, and now she and Jason were in this limbo. That was when she felt a soft touch on her knee, and she slowly opened her eyes to see Ms. Wolfe giving her a tender smile.

"Don't beat yourself up, Doctor Burrows. No one could have foreseen this outcome. We just need to be strong and present a united front at this time. That is the way you can truly help Serena." Ms. Wolfe withdrew her hand as she turned her gaze back to Jason. "Let her know that I'm heading home to pack a bag for us."

The tacit approval in Ms. Wolfe's voice was another stab to her guilt laden heart, and she nodded slowly as she drew in a shaky breath. "I will," she whispered, nodding earnestly as she stood up and made her way to the door.

After giving one last, long, look at Jason, Jasmine turned and hurried over to the lift, desperately jamming her finger on the button, wishing it to reach her all the more quickly than normal. Finally, it arrived, and she tapped her foot as she rode up to Darwin. Guilt was warring with nervous anticipation, and by the time she stepped out onto the ward, she was a nervous wreck.

Turning the corner, she stumbled into someone, and as she went to apologise, she gasped, seeing it was her sister. "What are you doing here?" she asked sharply, and Jasmine shrugged a little, taking in the smart pantsuit and heels Jac was wearing.

"Ms. Wolfe sent me on an errand. I won't bother you," she replied, trying not to sound like her. Jas shook her head a little, disapproval radiating off her in waves, and Jasmine found herself reacting like she would have when she was still on Darwin. "Aren't you a bit dressed up for the ward?"

"I just got back from Mo's birthing. She as a healthy son. Not that that would matter to you."

The zinger stung, and Jasmine shook her head as she struggled to keep from crying. "It does, Jac. I do have a heart, contrary to what you might think. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a mission to fulfill."

"No, you can tell me whatever you need to say to Ms. Campbell. She doesn't need a guttersnipe like you disturbing her at a time like this."

Jasmine drew in a few deep breaths, trying to call on her inner core of reserves, trying to think about what Ms. Campbell would do in her shoes, and a part of her knew that it would not be in flying off the handle at her sister. "I won't disturb her! She likes me!"

"Only until you mess up again. Then she'll see your incompetence like I did and treat you accordingly. You are a failure, and you always will be."

That was the comment that cracked her resolve and Jasmine stamped her foot as she glared at her sister. "You sound exactly like Mum did! She never believed in me, either, always compared me to you! Her golden child that she'd given up to have a better life! Well, guess what, Jac? I'm good enough to impress Ms. Campbell, and I will not let her down! And you can go hang!"

Turning on her heel, she fled into the bathrooms and locked herself in a stall as she sat on the toilet and cried. Her hands were shaking again, and she tried to walk herself down off the ledge of her panic. She had put up a brave front in front of Jac, but she knew that she was lying to them both. When Ms. Campbell found out what she had let happen, there was no way she would ever be in her good graces, ever again.

Still, she knew that she had to relay Ms. Wolfe's message, so she swiped her fingers under her eyes to clear them of tears. Standing up, she made her way over to the mirrors and noticed that some of her mascara had run, and she ran some water as she tried to make herself look presentable. There was no way that she wanted Ms. Campbell to think that she was coopting her grief.

"Pull it together, Jas. You can do this." The tiny pep talk seemed to work and she gave herself a small smile before slipping from the restroom and slinking over to the neuro ward. Somehow, she knew that Ms. Campbell would be in the most private room, and she crept down the row of beds, not wanting to disturb anyone there.

Jasmine stepped into the outer room and looked in on Elinor and Ms. Campbell. The woman was hunched over uncomfortably, her head resting on Elinor's hip as she stroked the fingers of one hand up and down her daughter's arm. It was the most heartbreaking sight Jasmine had ever laid eyes on, even with all her training, and another wave of guilt swept over her heart. A part of her didn't want to disturb the scene, since she was certain that the woman would take one look at her face and know. Another, larger, part of her heart told her that she needed to screw up her courage and deliver her message.

So, she took a few deep, calming, breaths before opening the door and stepping into the inner sanctum. A small twitch of Ms. Campbell's head clued Jasmine in to the fact that her arrival had been noticed, and she rubbed her lips together as she slipped over to the woman's side, staring down at them. "Ms. Campbell?"

"Jasmine."

She couldn't bear to hear the pain in those two syllables, nor could she feel like she was looming over her, so Jasmine crouched down and looked into the woman's face, drawing in the sorrow, knowing that it was her doing. "Is there anything that I can do for you? It's getting rather late, you must be hungry, or thirsty. I could nip down to Pulses and get a sandwich or something."

Ms. Campbell's eyes slid over to look at her, and Jasmine fought to keep from gasping at the sorrow there. "I don't think I could eat anything at the moment. And before you try to give me my advice, stop. I know I need to eat. I just can't. My baby…"

Her eyes turned back to Elinor, and Jasmine's diaphragm spasmed as she tried to keep from sobbing. "I was supposed to tell you that Ms. Wolfe is heading home soon so that she can get a bag ready for the two of you. Jason's fallen asleep, finally, so she felt like it was a good time to do that. Until, until she gets back, is there anything I can do? Please?"

Ms. Campbell's free hand was extended towards her, and Jasmine did not hesitate to clasp it, knowing that they both needed the comfort of touch in that moment. "No, Jas, no. But thank you."

"Would you mind if I stayed with you for a little bit? I…" Jasmine didn't want to finish the thought, since it was a bit impertinent to assume that the woman would want her company, that she needed someone with her, that she wouldn't want to be alone with her grief. The grip on her hand tightened, and she nodded as she carefully arranged her body so that she was still holding Ms. Campbell's hand while she sat on the floor, staring up at her.

"Bernie has Morven, I have you."

"I'm sorry, Ms. Campbell?"

A quick glance at her, a fleeting sad smile, and Jasmine nodded, not needing the words that she knew the woman would say next. "As our adoring juniors. We always seem to choose the person we need most, and I don't know what that says about you, Jasmine."

"It says that I admire you more than anything." The whispered word slipped from her lips unbidden, and again, Ms. Campbell squeezed her hand tightly. Jasmine returned the squeeze as she blinked rapidly, curling her legs up to her chest as she rested her body against the bed, never taking her gaze off Ms. Campbell's face. Sorrow lined her features, which was unsurprising, but as she continued to gaze, it was as if the woman forgot that she was there, tears starting to roll down her cheeks. Jasmine's guilt came rushing back to the surface as she continued to stare, and her own tears quietly started slipping down her cheeks.

Their quiet allowed the sounds of the machines to fill Jasmine's ears, rising to a cacophony of accusing beeps that dug at her heart and brain. Still, she knew that she needed to be here, to wear this hair shirt of guilt, to try and lift some of the sadness from Ms. Campbell's shoulders. And then, without her noticing, the woman's eyes slipped closed, and her breathing evened out, telling Jasmine that she had finally fallen asleep.

Still, she couldn't bring herself to let go of her hand just yet, wanting to make certain she was completely under, so that she wouldn't disturb her. Sleep was going to be a much-needed respite from the waking world in the coming days, and Jasmine wanted to fiercely protect this while she could. "My mother would say that I'm being silly, that I shouldn't be this sentimental. She tried to break me of that habit when I was young. Almost worked, too, until I came here. I really messed up, this is all my fault. I am so, so, so, very sorry. And I will do everything in my power to make this right. I will be more than my mother's daughter, more than she raised me to be, for you. Because I owe that to you."

Jasmine rubbed her thumb back and forth over the back of Ms. Campbell's hand, the absent movements helping to gather her emotions and calm her. She knew that she had to get moving, that it would look bad if Ms. Wolfe came in and found her still there, so she carefully stood up and let go of Ms. Campbell's hand, placing it on Elinor's torso before tiptoeing out into the outer room and rummaging around in the cabinets until she found a soft blanket.

Heading back into the room, she draped the blanket around Ms. Campbell's shoulders, tucking her in as best she could. "Sleep well, Ms. Campbell. We're all here to support you." And knowing that no one was watching, she tenderly hugged the woman, trying not to cry once more as she turned and made her way from the room, wondering where things would go from here.


	3. Chapter 3

Jasmine let out a sharp breath as Serena pointed out another mistake that she had made. She had known that this would be hard on the young woman, from the moment that she had changed to rota, but still, she had to soldier on. Jasmine was her lamb now, after all, just as Morven was Bernie's lamb. "If you would pay attention, Doctor Burrows, you wouldn't get so frustrated! Really, it's a simple procedure, one that you should have mastered months ago, when you were on Darwin."

"Yes, well, Jac was a little more hands off when it came to my learning experience there. I basically did whatever I thought was right, and Ollie caught me before I – "

The young woman cut off her words before she finished her thought, though Serena knew exactly what she had been about to say. "Before you killed anyone?" she bitterly retorted as she gave Jasmine a dark look. The young woman blushed a deep red before turning on her heel and stalking off to the toilet, leaving Serena alone in the office.

Sighing deeply, she buried her face in her hands. This was not working out quite like she wanted it to, but now that she was starting down this course, she didn't see any way of reversing it. Bernie slipped into the room, resting her hand on Serena's shoulder and letting her thumb rub back and forth. It took everything in her not to shrug off the friendly touch.

"You might want to go after her, Serena. You were quite keen to keep her here on AAU, but with the way you've been riding her for the past three days, she might not think that true. And I've already played interference between the two of you once, I won't do so again."

There was gentle censure in her lover's voice, and she gave her a small nod as she stood. "Meet me in the peace garden in fifteen?"

"Only if you promise me that you'll talk to Jasmine before heading out there."

She drew in a slow, long, breath before nodding. "I will do that, yes. As long as you promise me that you'll be there."

Bernie gave her a sad look as she nodded. "I walked out on you once, Serena. I will never do that again."

She swallowed thickly as she stood, allowing Bernie to pull her into a tight hug. There was something so right about being in her arms, and she almost didn't want to let her go. Still, she knew that the woman had a point, she had to let Jasmine know that she was just expecting her best, and that Serena would be the one to guide her to the rigorous standard hospitals expected of their surgeons.

"You can't hold on to me forever, Serena."

"I can try," she mumbled into the crook of Bernie's neck, listening to the low chuckle that erupted from her mouth. "I've missed your laugh, hell, I've missed my laugh. I just can't seem to find it these days. I know, I've been so horrible…"

"No, Serena, you're grieving. You're allowed to feel however you feel, as you try to find your way through this world right now. All I ask, for you, is that when you feel like you have to lash out at people that you come to me. I will take it."

"That's not fair to you."

"Losing your daughter is not fair to you, either." Bernie turned her head a little, and Serena felt the warm press of lips to her temple. "Now go, see to Jasmine, and then meet me outside. Don't forget to wear your hoodie."

Serena nodded as she took the garment off the hook and slipped into it, stepping over to the door and taking a deep breath as she squared her shoulders and made her way over to the toilet, trying not to acknowledge the accusatory feel of Morven's gaze, knowing that she meant well, that she was protective of her friend. Still, it was a jab to her heart, as she didn't want to be thought of as an ogre. Blinking rapidly, she pushed the door open and stepped inside, hoping that there was no one else present.

"Doctor Burrows?" she softly called out, wondering if the young woman would even bother answering. "Are you still in here?"

"Yeah," a watery voice answered, and she drew in a light breath, knowing that there was no backing out now. "I'm sorry that I keep disappointing you."

Oh, she had heard those words before, only spoken in such anger, never such sorrow, and Serena pressed the heel of her hand against her chest in an effort to keep from crying herself. "I just know that you can do better, darling."

The term of endearment slipped from her lips before she could stop it, and that was the thing that broke her hold on her tears. Biting her lip, Serena stepped in front of a sink and gazed at herself in the mirror, watching her reflection carefully, noting the tears that were tracking down her cheeks. She had thought that at some point her tears would come to an end, but her heart continued to prover her wrong.

A stall door creaking caught her attention, but she didn't turn her head, not wanting to let Jasmine see her cry. Still, she jumped when the young woman touched her upper arm, and she had to fight to keep from flinching. This was a new reaction, she had never been put off by physical touch, but now, now she found herself pulling away from all forms of affection.

"Ms. Campbell?"

Serena met the young woman's gaze in the mirror, needing that buffer. "Yes?"

"Do you need anything? Or need me to do anything?" There was an unspoken plea in her gaze, one that broke Serena's heart even further, and she shook her head a little as she pursed her lips together tightly, trying to keep the sobs inside. "Please, I want to help you."

"I know you do," she finally whispered, turning slightly so that she could look at Jasmine. For just a moment, her face blurred in Serena's vision, looking for just one split second like her beloved Ellie, and she closed her eyes as she shook her head once more, her body slumping in defeat. A part of her knew what Jasmine would do next, and she let out a deep sigh as she felt strong arms close around her middle, holding her lightly, as if Jasmine knew that she couldn't push things too far. "I'm supposed to meet Bernie in the peace garden soon."

"Do you want me to go with you? You could use me as a buffer, so that people wouldn't look at you oddly for heading out alone, yeah?"

The sweetness of the gesture put a tiny smile on Serena's lips, and she nodded as she tried to move out of the young woman's embrace. Jasmine let out the quietest of sighs as she stepped away from Serena, unshed tears making her eyes seem impossibly larger than they were. "You don't need to keep trying to prove yourself to me, Doctor Burrows. I was the one who snapped at you, after all."

"That was days ago, and you'd only just come back, and I completely understand, I just needed it to have been put into perspective for me." The little smile on Jasmine's lips never quite reached her eyes, and Serena felt a stab of hurt attack her heart as she realized that she was most likely the cause for her reticence to smile fully. "And I'm going to learn so much from you, right? You're the best surgeon we have."

"I rather think your sister would beg to differ on that statement," Serena replied wryly, and Jasmine shrugged a little as she threaded her arm through Serena's leading her out into the hall. There weren't many others milling about, so Serena allowed the familiarity as they walked out to the stairwell and started heading down. "And Bernie. She's a better trauma surgeon than I am. But I am very good at vascular surgery, I will give you that."

"Exactly!" Jasmine tightened her arm a little as they stepped outside into the cool February air. Glancing over, Serena noticed that Jasmine was in scrubs and one of those long sleeved shirts that Bernie had started to favour, which was not appropriate attire for the weather. "I'll be fine, Ms. Campbell. Really."

"I didn't say anything," she murmured as she pulled Jasmine closer to her side, trying to let some of her warmth bleed into her. Bernie was holding her e-cigarette between her fingers as she paced back and forth in front of the bench when they approached, and Serena gave her a sad smile as she led Jasmine over to the bench and gently pulled her down next to her as she shrugged out of her hoodie and draped it around the younger woman's shoulders.

Bernie shook her head a little as she, in turn, took off her hoodie and passed it to Serena, giving her a look as she went to protest. "You need to take care of yourself, too, Serena." A wry smile crossed Bernie's lips as she arched her eyebrow. "Now, since almost everyone from AAU is out here, one of us needs to be in there, should anything happen."

Serena frowned a little, wondering if this had been Bernie's plan all along. The one time that she had found herself not wanting to push her lover away was going to be the time that Bernie was trying to escape from her. Tears pooled in her eyes the longer she looked at Bernie, her lip quivering a little as she struggled to keep it together. "Bernie…"

"Jasmine, look at the sky for a moment." The doctor immediately complied, and then Bernie was crouching down in front of Serena, cupping her cheek softly as she let her thumb run back and forth, staring at her with a kind, sad, look. "We can talk at home tonight, darling. I'll bring the curry. This is more important in the long run." Bernie tapped her thumb lightly against Serena's lips before leaning in and kissing her softly. Serena hummed a little against her lips, welcoming the taste of Bernie's lip gloss and coffee.

"All right," she whispered as they pulled apart. Her eyes were still full of tears, and there was a glint of them in Bernie's, but she knew that this was probably the better solution. Still, she reached up and caressed Bernie's cheek before nodding and watching her go.

"Oh! I didn't mean to interrupt something private! I can't do anything right."

Serena turned to look at Jasmine, her smile widening a little as she tried to make her posture a little more open, so as not to upset her further. "Bernie's right, it is much better that we talk in private, at home. She's often right."

"So are you."

Her smile tightened a little as she thought about how Elinor had often thrown those words at her, used them with cutting sarcasm, and she pulled away from Jasmine a little, wrapping herself up in Bernie's hoodie, breathing in the calming scent of soap and lotion and her. "I doubt that very much these days. There is so little I am right about."

Jasmine surprised her in that moment by scooting into her personal space and picking up her free hand, clasping it tightly. "You probably don't want to hear this coming from my lips, but I highly doubt that, ma'am. You try and you try and you get things right, and I'm still a bit in awe of you. That's why it hurt so much when you snapped at me, why I wanted to run. Because you can see me so well, read me so rightly, and there's a part of me that doesn't want that. Bernie, though, she understands what we need, which is why she went to you with my request."

Serena nodded a little as she shifted their hands a little, threading their fingers together. It was a gesture she had used with Elinor, and she wondered when her brain would stop reminding her about everything she missed about her daughter. When she would stop seeing her in every gesture, every word, every look. "Bernie does understand me so well," she whispered as she looked up at the sky. It was surprisingly blue that afternoon, and she closed her eyes against the light.

"You were with me that night," she said quietly. Over the last few weeks, memories that she had locked away had started to come to the forefront, and that one had just bubbled up. "You held my hand as I struggled to stay awake. I knew, then, that I would be saying goodbye. But how do you say goodbye to your child?"

"If you asked Jac that question, she would say that it was quite easy for some parents to do that. But it's not, is it? There's always this yawning chasm that you're standing on the edge of. Or at least, that's what I imagine it feels like for you. Because that's what it feels like for me, when I think of my mum, and I know it's not the same. I do, Ms Campbell. But…"

"But it is a good metaphor for what I feel." Turning her head a little, Serena opened her eyes to see that silent tears were rolling down Jasmine's face, and she clucked her tongue a little as she patted her shoulder. She wasn't surprised to find that Jasmine took the opening, letting her head thump down on Serena's shoulder as she tightened her fingers around Serena's. "There is this dark chasm that I'm standing at the edge of, and sometimes I wonder if anyone is going to be able to pull me back."

Jasmine drew in a sharp breath, locking eyes with her. "Please, don't ever say that," she whispered, and Serena let out a self-deprecating chuckle. "You haven't even told Bernie that yet, have you? She doesn't know how close you are to losing it."

"And we're going to keep it that way, aren't we, Jasmine?" Serena refused to look away from the young woman, needing to ensure that she would keep her confidence. Jasmine's eyes narrowed, as if she wanted to tell her no, as if she wanted to help her in the only way that she could, and Serena squeezed her hand sharply in warning.

"Yes," she finally replied, reluctance coating the word. "But only if I can help, as best I can. I will not stand by and do nothing."

Somehow, Serena knew that Jasmine wasn't kidding, and so she gave her a small nod, mentally crossing her fingers. There wasn't anyone who could help her, at this point, she needed to learn how to be strong on her own. But it would be nice to have a shadow, to continue to teach her as the weeks went by. She wasn't a replacement for the child she had lost, but maybe she could be another lamb for her to guide and protect.


	4. Chapter 4

"Are you coming to Albie's or not, Jas?"

Jasmine looked up at Morven and shook her head slowly. She knew that Serena was expecting her to do just that, to go out with her friends, get drunk, end up with a hangover, and disappoint her right out of the gate. She had used her one shortcut, Jasmine knew, and there would be no second chances again. "I would love to, but I think that I should turn in early. It was a rough day."

Morven gave her a sympathetic look as she wrapped her scarf around her neck, patting Jasmine's shoulder lightly as she left the room. She waited a few moments, wanting to make certain that Morven had left before she finished changing and then slipping into her coat.

As Jasmine went out to the hall, she decided to pass the consultant's office, wanting to see if Serena was still there, for some reason, not wanting to think about that more in depth at that moment. Still, despite the hurt she had faced that day, despite being yelled at by the one person she respected so greatly, she wanted to make certain that everything was okay with her. Maybe she had a masochistic streak a mile wide, but still, she knew the effect that grief could have upon a person.

Bernie was there, bent over a stack of paperwork, and she sighed a little as she knocked softly on the door. The woman looked up, and Jasmine drew in a short breath to see the slightly haunted look in her eyes. "Are you still here?"

"Yeah. I, I wanted to thank you for trying to help me today. Of course I made a muddled mess of everything, which is par for the course." Bernie shook her head a little, patting the clear spot on her desk. Jasmine hesitantly walked over, glancing around to look for any sign of Serena still there.

"She left for home hours ago."

Jasmine nodded slowly as she sank down, wrapping her arms around her waist. "I didn't mean to make things worse, but I think I did. She told me to go get drunk tonight, to have fun, implying that it would be the last bit of fun I would have for a while."

"She's trying to test you, to see your mettle."

"Well, I failed. I peeked at the scans, because Jac said that she had done the same thing when she was Harveyed. I was stupid, listening to my sister. She's never wanted anything good for me since I got here. I let her wind me up, when I should have just trusted Ms Campbell."

"Serena gave you no cause to trust her."

Jasmine blinked rapidly as she shook her head. "She has given me cause to trust her." Bernie's brow furrowed, and she knew that she had misspoken. "Please, don't ask me to say why. Just, trust me?"

"I will, so long as you come to me if you have any trouble with Serena. I won't let her bully you."

"I can handle myself, Ms Wolfe, don't you worry. I was raised to be tough." They shared a look, and she gave her a quick smile. "I was actually hoping to catch Ms Campbell before I left, but it seems I was too late for that."

"Jason needed her at home."

She nodded, somehow knowing that home for Serena and Bernie were not the same place at the moment, and she felt her heart sink at that thought. "Well, I should probably head home myself and prepare for tomorrow. I know that I'm going to be working my arse off, so might as well sleep while I can."

She gave Bernie a warm smile as she slipped off the desk and made her way back into the hall. As she walked to the car park, Jasmine found herself wondering what she would face in the morning instead of paying attention to where she was going, and managed to run into a solid, warm, body. Looking up, she gasped and clapped a hand over her mouth to keep from shrieking aloud.

Bleary eyes turned to look at her, the tiny frown on her lips deepening as Serena realized just who had nearly knocked her over. "I thought I told you to have a good time with your friends," the woman slurred, and Jasmine cocked her head to one side as she regarded Serena. It was clear that she was more than tipsy, and that unsettled Jasmine more than anything.

"I thought that it would be more prudent to spend the night contemplating what you'll put me through tomorrow, and then getting a good night's sleep," she said truthfully. Serena's eyes narrowed even more, and Jasmine took a deep breath as she threw caution to the wind and carefully threaded her arm in the crook of Serena's, guiding her over to her car and opening the passenger door. Jasmine had never even been a passenger in a vehicle this nice, and she only hoped that her driving skills were up to par. "Where are your keys?"

Serena glared at her, but she shook her head, holding out her hand expectantly. The woman rummaged around in her purse, spilling out pieces of crumpled paper onto the floor, and Jasmine fought to keep from crying at the sight. "Here," she spat out, thrusting the ring at her.

Jasmine nodded as she took the keys, letting her fingers linger on Serena's hand for a beat longer than completely necessary. Once more, their eyes met, and beneath the anger, beneath the haze of alcohol, Jasmine could see the deep well of pain that the woman had been trying to cover up. "How close are you to that ledge now?" she whispered, the words slipping out unbidden.

"I've started the long climb down." Serena looked away from Jasmine and pulled the door closed, effectively shutting off that line of communication. She took the hint and quietly went around to the driver's side, climbing in and starting the car without another word. "And how do you plan on getting home?"

The acerbic question stung, but it was something she expected from Serena at this point. "Either I'll call a cab, or I'll walk back. After all, it's not that far."

"It's farther than you think. But you're young, and it won't ache as much when you arrive." She didn't think that the quiet words were meant for her, so she just nodded a little as she pulled out of the parking lot. Surprisingly, Serena offered up directions to her home, and Jasmine didn't speak, not wanting to interrupt the helpfulness.

There was a light on in the house when she pulled into the drive, and she watched Serena's shoulders slump at the sight. "Ms Campbell?"

"Jason's still up. He can't see me like this. Please?"

Jasmine nodded hurriedly as she parked the car in the garage and turned it off. "He'll wonder why I'm here. Do you have a study or a home office? We need to have a cover story to explain my presence. Or, you have a migraine! Do you get headaches frequently? Would he believe that?"

She knew that she sounded desperate, but as Serena continued to gaze at her, a veritable ocean of grief swimming beneath the stupor of booze, she knew that she would do anything to protect this woman who held the fate of her future on AAU in her hands. Slowly, Serena shrugged, and Jasmine knew that it was up to her to make it work.

Letting out a deep sigh, she pocketed the keyring and got out of the vehicle, coming around to Serena's side and opening the door, holding out her hand expectantly. There was a mulish look on Serena's face before she slipped her hand into Jasmine's, letting her tug her to her feet. There was nothing to be done about the mess of papers on the floor at that time, but Jasmine did grab the woman's purse before guiding her into the house.

"Auntie Serena?"

Jasmine felt Serena stiffen a little as they both turned to look at Jason. He cocked his head to one side as he looked them up and down, and Jasmine fought to keep from fidgeting under his scrutiny. "Hi, Jason. Um, your auntie has a bit of a migraine, so I offered to drive her home. My mum used to get bad headaches all the time, and she always had someone else drive. I guess it's just sort of stuck with me. Which room is hers?"

There was a long pause before Jason drew in a deep breath, his look now entirely focused on Serena. "Auntie's room is at the top of the stairs, first door on the left. Are you staying?"

"It all depends."

"Well, it's supposed to be fish and chips night, but it looks like someone's forgotten that, what with her headache and all. And I'm not well enough to nip down to the shop, and it's too late now for them to deliver."

"Let me get Serena sorted out, and then we'll see about getting you supper, all right? I'll take care of it, don't worry." She gave him a wide smile as she reached out and patted his arm lightly. His eyes darted back to her face, and then he gave her an all too knowing look before he nodded. "Good. Now, give me about ten minutes."

"Okay."

They nodded in tandem, and then Jasmine was guiding Serena over to the elegant staircase, helping her upwards as an oppressive silence fell over them. It didn't take long to get Serena into her room, and Jasmine tried her hardest not to act like a voyeur, knowing that this was the last thing Serena would have ever wanted. The woman valued her privacy, and here she was, in her bedroom of all places. "Here, let me take your coat, I'll bring it back downstairs with me, along with your purse." Carefully, she unbuttoned the wool jacket and slipped it from Serena's slim shoulders, draping it over her arm as she plucked the purse from suddenly unresisting fingers.

"He likes the pickles with his fish and chips. Get him an extra one tonight, to make up for this. Please?"

Again, that heartbreakingly jagged voice spilled from Serena's lips, and Jasmine could only nod slightly, wanting to hug the woman, but knowing that was probably the last thing she wanted. "And can I get you anything?" she finally asked, never taking her eyes off her.

"No. No one can get me what I want. Not even Bernie." Large, silent, tears began to roll down Serena's cheeks, and Jasmine felt her heart crack. Taking a step forward, she reached out and rested her hand on Serena's arm, waiting to see what she would do. There was a brief pause before Serena moved into her personal space, her eyes never leaving Jasmine's. "Go, please. Before Jason really gets in a snit."

"Yes, ma'am," she whispered as she squeezed her bicep gently. Turning on her heel, she hurried from the room and practically flew downstairs, needing to be away from the overwhelming grief present in the bedroom. She followed the sound of the television into a cozy living room, and smiled sadly when she saw Jason watching an episode of _Mastermind_. "So, where is this shop?" she murmured as came into his line of sight, not wanting to disrupt him too much.

"About a mile down the road, to the east. All you need to do is tell them my name, they'll know my order." She nodded solemnly as she felt about her pockets. "Oh, and Auntie Serena keeps the money for it on top the refrigerator. I'm certain she wouldn't mind if you ordered something for yourself."

Jasmine let out a soft sigh as she shrugged. "I'd feel bad if I took more than my right." Jason just shook his head a little as he turned his attention back to the television, and she went to the kitchen, hanging up Serena's coat and purse before feeling around for the money Jason had mentioned. There was much too much there, so she took twenty quid and made her way outside.

The air was cold, and she wished she had thought to grab a scarf on her way out, but there was no changing that now, and she hurriedly walked to the shop, trying not to focus on how cold she was. "I'm here to place Jason's usual order," she said when she reached the clerk, and the young man gave her a small nod as he punched in the order. "And I'm supposed to order an extra pickle?"

"Can I get you anything else this evening?" he asked, and Jasmine glanced at the menu before shrugging a little.

"Maybe a small order of chips?"

The clerk gave her another nod and then gave her the total. Thankfully, it was below the amount she had brought with her, and she pocketed the change before moving down the counter to wait. It didn't take too long, and then she hurried home, trying to keep from shivering violently as the wind picked up. Jason met her at the door, and she handed over the bag, following him into the kitchen.

"Do you want anything to drink? Auntie Serena usually has wine with supper now, but she's probably asleep, since I haven't heard a sound come from upstairs after you left."

"Water would be fine, Jason, I don't want to take more than I already have," she said lowly as she put the change on top of the refrigerator. He gave her a searching look, and she just shrugged and smiled, stuffing her hands in the pockets of her dungarees. "Seriously, water will be fine."

Jason nodded as she moved to the table, taking a seat and waiting for him to join her. "And you're only going to eat this?" he asked, handing her her chips. She nodded. "You need to take better care of yourself. You are a doctor, after all."

"I know, but I wasn't too hungry tonight." She waited until he started to eat before picking at her food, knowing that he would be watching her like a hawk, to make certain she was eating. It was easy enough to pace herself, listening to him go on about his day, asking appropriate questions when needed, and reaching out to pat his hand when he mentioned Elinor. It was difficult to keep from crying along with him, since she palpably felt his pain.

"Are you going to stay the night?"

The question took her aback, since she hadn't thought ahead that far ahead. "Is there a guest room?" Jason nodded. "It might be for the best, if I did. I didn't think about how late it would get."

Jason nodded sagely. "Well, it's too late to watch any more World's Strongest Man tonight, as I am still recovering. I can show you to the guest room, if you'd like. And I know where Auntie Serena keeps nightclothes for Bernie, when she stays over."

Jasmine felt decidedly anxious about that idea, but she knew that she had to wear something to sleep in, so she nodded at him, following him up the stairs to the room next to Serena's. Drawing in a deep breath, she waited just inside the doorway as he went over to a hall closet and pulled out a shirt and shorts. "Thanks," she said as she took the bundle from his hands.

"You're welcome. Thank you for looking after Auntie Serena. She needs more people to do that."

He turned on his heel and left her alone, something she was quite grateful for. Closing the door, she quickly changed, finding the shorts a little bit big on her, but the length of the shirt made up for that. Knowing that she wouldn't be able to sleep until she had checked in on Serena, Jasmine drew in a deep breath and scurried over to the other room, her hand hovering over the doorknob. As she turned it, the faint sound of sobs came from the room, and she sighed deeply as she entered.

"Ms. Campbell?"

The woman turned over on the bed to stare at her, and it took Jasmine a moment to get her eyes to focus on her face. "You're wearing Bernie's clothes."

"Jason wanted me to stay, said I could borrow these. Someone needs to take care of you two."

A frown marred the woman's features, and Jasmine stepped forward, kneeling at her side as she reached out to clasp Serena's hand. "This won't win you any brownie points."

"I know."

"I'll be even harder on you."

"I know."

"Then why stay?"

"Because I can't leave you like this. You may have pushed Bernie away, but that's because you love her, and don't want her to see you hurting like this. You don't care about me, so I'm safe to be in your orbit." Serena's hand tightened around Jasmine's as her eyes slid closed.

"Maybe I care too much." The faint words floated on the air, and she pursed her lips together as she fought to keep from crying.

"I meant what I said, Serena." Again, the hand squeezed hers, and she soldiered on ahead. "I won't let you fall into the abyss. I will gladly follow you into Hell, so long as it keeps you here and with Bernie." Tears started to drip down her face, and Jasmine struggled to keep herself as quiet as possible, not wanting to pile her sorrow atop Serena's, that wasn't fair at all.

"I wish you didn't care so much, darling, that would make things so much easier for me." Slowly, Serena disentangled their fingers as her eyes opened once more, focusing on her. Jasmine just stared back, not hiding her tears, even as the woman reached out and caressed her cheek softly, swiping the tears away, a fragile, tender, silence filling the room. She could only hope that the morning would not be as difficult as Serena was intimating.


	5. Chapter 5

Serena slowly changed into her sneakers, feeling the keening loss of the crutch she had been depending on ever since Elinor's death. Bernie had made it quite clear that she wasn't allowed to have a single drop to drink, and while Serena did feel a bit clearer without wine clouding her senses, it also allowed her to see clearly that things were just not getting any better for her. She still missed her daughter horribly, and there was only one person who remotely understood why she was acting the way she was, and it surprised her that it would be Jasmine. Even though she was pushing the young girl nearly as hard as she was pushing herself.

Vaguely, she recalled the previous week, how Jasmine had taken control and driven her home, taken care of Jason, taken care of her, all without asking a single thing of her in return. Vaguely, she remembered how Jasmine had come in to check on her, how she had seen her crying, how Jasmine had sat down next to her bedside and held her hand until she had fallen asleep. A faint memory of lips ghosting across her forehead also bubbled to the surface, and she teared up a little as she shook her head and stepped out of her office onto the ward. It did not do to dwell on scattered memories like that.

Jasmine was talking to Morven at the nurse's station, and she gave them a small smile as went over to the stairwell and began to climb up. "Serena, wait!"

Pausing, she turned to see Bernie there, a smile dancing on her lips. "Yes?"

"Do you want a walking partner?"

It was sweet of her to offer, but Serena knew that one of them had to stay on the ward, to take care of the patients, so she shook her head. "I'm just going to do a few laps on the roof, but thank you, darling. If, if we get busy, bleep me?"

"Of course. Here, take my hoodie." Bernie jogged up the few stairs that separated them, draping the garment around her shoulders before leaning in to quickly peck her lips. "I know, this is going to be hard for you, but I just want you better."

"I know, darling. I love you," she whispered before kissing her once more. Bernie gave her another warm smile before turning and heading back onto the floor. They gave each other a small wave before she completely disappeared, and Serena let out a sigh of relief as she turned and made her way farther up the stairs, slipping into the hoodie as she went, zipping it up tight.

The moment she was on the roof, she knew why Bernie went here so often. There was something freeing about it, since she felt so close to the sky. Pulling the hoodie a little tighter around her body, Serena breathed in Bernie's scent and started to slowly make her way around the perimeter of the roof and tried not to give in to her desires to run down and hike to the closest bar to get blindingly drunk, to quiet the voices that were in her head telling her that she had to atone for her failure as a mother.

And then there was the problem with Jasmine. She wasn't entirely comfortable with the way their relationship was heading. Yes, she saw a bit of herself in the young doctor, but she also saw bits of Elinor in her as well, which was problematic, at best. So, she continued to pace the roof, finding her thoughts spiraling further and further out of her control until she was sobbing, the wind tearing the tears from her cheeks.

"Serena!"

The sound of Jasmine's voice next to her caused her to pause, and she looked at the woman, feeling her eyes narrow a little as she focused in on the concerned look on Jasmine's face. "What?" she bit out, pulling away from the soft hand on her shoulder.

Jasmine pursed her lips as she hunched over a little, drawing the halves of her hoodie closed as she averted her eyes from Serena. That move tore at her heart, and she had to fight the urge to reach out and rub Jasmine's shoulder to comfort her. "Bernie wanted to come up here, but she got called into a trauma case, with Morven. So, I decided to come up here instead. I brought the tablet, so we could talk about a few of the cases on AAU, if you didn't want to come back down so soon."

Serena glanced at her watch and saw that it had been nearly twenty minutes since she had come up to the roof, but with Jasmine offering her an out to not return to the ward so soon, she decided to go with it. "There's not really a place to sit, though, is there?"

Jasmine nodded and reached out to take hold of her hand, guiding her over to a semi-sheltered alcove by the exhaust fans and helping her to sit on the cold metal. "So, it's not ideal, but at least we're out of the wind now. And it's a gorgeous day, so we'll be getting all the vitamin D we need."

Serena gave her a withering look, but Jasmine just shrugged as she produced the tablet from her pocket and unlocked it. "What questions do you have?" she asked, slipping into doctor mode as she glanced at the file that Jasmine had brought up.

"I just feel like I'm missing something here, but I'm not entirely certain what that could be." Serena frowned a little as she began to look over the test results of the patient's tests. Taking the device from Jasmine's hands, she began to scroll through the information, noticing out of the corner of her eye that the young doctor had curled up into a tight ball, and it was only then that she noticed how cold it was up there. Unconsciously, she transferred the tablet to her opposite hand and scooted a little closer to Jasmine, welcoming the warmth that bled off her as she almost snuggled into her side.

"It appears that everything is in order with your diagnosis. I don't know why you would feel like you were missing something. Did you just come up here to check on me?"

Serena tried to keep from sounding annoyed, since she didn't want to hurt Jasmine, but she also didn't want to feel like she was under constant scrutiny. Which a small part of her understood, she had done the same with Edward when he was getting drunk at work. But another part of her chafed under the scrutiny. Jasmine sighed as she turned her face into Serena's arm, reaching out to worry a pinch of fabric on Serena's hoodie. "Am I that transparent?"

A light chuckle slipped from her lips as she nodded. "But then, I know what to look for. Jason told me that you didn't get a full meal, the night you brought me home."

Jasmine's hand stilled on her wrist, and Serena froze, waiting for the young doctor's next words. "I was always taught to never take more than my fair share. You didn't give me permission to use that money for myself. And that reminds me, I didn't pay you back…"

"You will do nothing of the sort!" she interrupted. "I am usually a gracious host, and provide for my guests, unexpected though they may be. I'm only sorry that you didn't feel free enough to look after yourself. Especially if you feel like you need to look after me."

Jasmine drew in a deep breath as she pulled away from Serena. Immediately, she missed the warmth, and Serena tried to school her features so that it wouldn't show on her face. "I'm looking after you because it is my duty to do so. I failed you, ma'am, and as a result, you lost someone so precious to you." Her voice turned warblely, as if she was trying very hard not to cry. "I need to do this, I need to ensure that you find some level of stability."

Serena winced as she gently dislodged Jasmine's hand from her wrist in order to wrap her arm around the young woman's shoulders. "My stability is not your responsibility. I am an adult, and my partner will look out for me, ensuring that I stay here."

Jasmine nuzzled her cheek against Serena's shoulder, almost as if she was disagreeing with her. "If I might be a bit impertinent, Serena, it is my responsibility. Have you told Bernie how much you're hurting?"

"You interrupted us, you should know."

Jasmine made a low sound of discontent in the back of her throat. "That is a neat sidestep there, isn't it? You forget, I've seen into your soul, just as I rather think that you've seen into mine. Have you started coming up out of the pit?"

Serena squeezed the ball of Jasmine's shoulder tightly, trying to ignore the sharp hiss of pain that slipped from her lips. "I'll thank you not to ask that question."

"Oh, Serena, you need to open up to people! I know that you probably don't want to hear this from me, but I know who Morven sees, and she's said that he's really good with grief. I know that those are two completely different types of grief, but…I just don't want to lose you to the canyon of sorrow."

Serena let out a soft sigh as she lowered her head and pressed her lips to the top of Jasmine's head. She couldn't seem to stop doing that, even though she knew it was highly inappropriate of her. "I've always had my black moods, you know. There was a time when I thought I would just like to fall asleep and never wake up. Edward, well, he never thought that it was truly as bad as it was."

Jasmine's hand sought out Serena's, and she allowed her to thread their fingers together. "I don't think that many people understand living with that."

"Ellie should have been the youngest of three." The words slipped out unbidden, and Jasmine tightened her hold on Serena's hand. "I think that's why this aches all the more. She was the one who stayed, you see. She was the one time I didn't fail."

Serena set aside the tablet as she pulled in on herself, allowing herself to cry. Feeling the need to escape clawing at her whole body, she stood up and moved away from Jasmine, heading for the edge of the roof once more. Vaguely, she could hear Jasmine rush after her, as if she was afraid that Serena would do something rash. By the time she had reached the rail, she was sobbing silently, and wrapped her hands around it in an effort to steady herself.

Jasmine wrapped her arms around her middle, resting her cheek on Serena's back as she drew in shaky breaths. "You didn't fail, Serena."

"Yes, well, Edward would say differently. Especially now that Liberty is pregnant." Her voice broke on that word, and she slowly let go of the railing to cover Jasmine's hands with hers. It didn't surprise her in the least when the young woman flipped the position of their hands, but it was a comfort. "She can give him what I can never have again."

"Yeah, she can have a kid, but is that really going to fix anything? Is that going to make anything better?" There was a short pause, and then Jasmine was digging her fingers into the back of her hands. "Mum had me to fix the broken places in her, and look at how that turned out. I was never good enough for her, I was never Jac. I was just stupid little Jasmine, always trying to be better, smarter, more…" Her words trailed off, and Serena began to feel the shaking of her shoulders.

She couldn't bear to listen to the quiet, disconsolate, way Jasmine was crying without comforting her, so she slowly turned and wrapped her arms around her waist and allowed Jasmine to embrace her tightly, the copious tears soaking through the fabric of her hoodie and blouse to wet her skin. "We always try to live up to the expectations of our mothers, don't we?" she whispered as she began to run her fingers through Jasmine's hair, trying not to tug too hard on the snarls that she encountered.

Serena led Jasmine back over to their nook, stumbling here and there as they went, since it was difficult to see exactly where she was going while trying to make certain that Jasmine wouldn't completely fall over, since it seemed she was loathe to let Serena go as she cried. "I was never good enough, never. She gave Jac away, she kept me, but I never mattered enough. I want to be better than my mother's daughter. I want to be the daughter of someone who sees me."

They sat heavily, and Serena found she didn't mind the heavy weight of Jasmine on her chest as she continued to stroke her hair. It was only when she heard the soft crunch of footfalls near them that she looked up to see Bernie there, frowning a little as she picked up the tablet and took a seat next to Serena, resting her hand on her shoulder. "I was getting a little concerned about you two, no one had seen you for almost an hour," she said lowly before pressing her lips to Serena's temple.

"This was rather more important," Serena murmured as she leaned against Bernie's chest. Jasmine hurriedly swiped away the lingering tears on her face as she popped to her feet. "Darling?"

"Yes?" Bernie and Jasmine answered in tandem, and Serena felt a blush bloom on her cheeks.

"Oh, god, I, I have to go check on my patients," Jasmine stammered out as she grabbed the tablet from Bernie's hands and ran for the door, leaving Serena alone with Bernie.

"What was that?"

"I've called her darling on more than one occasion," she whispered as she pulled back to look into Bernie's face. There was a faint moue of disappointment on her lips, and she shrugged a little. "I know, I'm blurring the line between professional and personal, but…we need each other."

That was the first time she had ever uttered those words aloud, and she winced a little, wondering what Bernie must think of her. Disappointment faded to sorrow as she leaned in and embraced Serena once more. "That's not healthy, and I think you know it, Serena."

"Maybe. But she needs a mother figure, and I –"

"Will not finish that thought. Seriously, you're her mentor, you're there to make her a better surgeon, not to turn her into an Elinor stand in!"  
The rough tone in her partner's voice took her aback, and she frowned as she stood up and hugged herself tightly. "I know that she's not my Ellie."

"Do you? Honestly?"

She nodded as she fought to keep from crying. Serena had never expected to hear Bernie talk so harshly to her, especially after she had done as asked, and given up alcohol for her. The moment the first tears began to roll down her cheeks, she turned from Bernie, looking out over the cityscape as she struggled to regain control over her emotions. "I'm going to mold her into the best surgeon that she can be. I'm going to push her to reach her full potential, just you watch!" she said to the wind.

Serena sensed Bernie behind her, and she leaned back, trusting that Bernie would catch her. "Just, be careful, Serena. Please." She nodded as she allowed Bernie to lead her from the rooftop, knowing that she had to keep her partner's words in mind. It would do neither of them any good to further allow the lines between Jasmine and herself blur, even if she felt that she was rapidly reaching the point of no return.


	6. Chapter 6

The movie Morven had chosen to watch had just gotten to a good spot when Jasmine's phone rang. Frowning a little, she pulled it out of her pocket and stared at the name on her screen. "Serena?" she asked anxiously, trying to ignore the look Morven shot her.

"No, it's Jason. Auntie Serena and Bernie just got in a terrible row, and Bernie stormed off for work, and Auntie Serena's taken off, too."

Her frown deepened and Morven reached out to touch her arm lightly, a questioning look on her face. "What were they arguing about?" she asked quietly, pulling away from Morven to focus more intently on Jason's voice. There was a long pause, and she swallowed thickly before probing further. "Jason? You can tell me."

"They were arguing about you. Bernie said that she'd talked to Morven about the way Auntie Serena was treating you, and she snapped at Bernie, saying that she wasn't driving you half as hard as she'd been driven. I left the room at that point, I really don't think they noticed."

Jasmine felt her lips begin to quiver a little as she stood up. Morven went to follow suit, and she shook her head as she moved over to the window, staring out into the black of night. "What do you need me to do, Jason?"

"Find Auntie Serena? She took off without her phone or coat, and I'm worried that she might hurt herself."

That was the thing that caused tears to start rolling down her cheeks as she nodded. "I will be there as soon as I can. I promise."

"Okay."

She hung up without saying goodbye and whirled around to fix a stony glare on Morven. "I know that you probably thought you were helping, but why the hell did you tell Bernie that Serena was bullying me?"

"Because I was hoping Bernie could gently nudge Serena to be less shouty. It doesn't look good to have our patients describing her as mean. If that were to get back to the board? She could lose her job!"

Morven did have a point, Jasmine had to concede that, but she still felt very defensive of Serena. "Well, it didn't help, and I have to go try and smooth things over! Seriously, Morven, you know Serena's in a fragile place right now, and any little thing might tip her back into the abyss." The tears started to fall down her cheeks even harder, and she swiped angrily at them as she shoved her phone into her pocket, storming out to the door and tugging on her coat.

"You can't go over there!"

She looked over her shoulder at Morven, using her best Serena face as she nodded. "I can and I am. She needs me, Morven!"

"She has a partner, and it's not you! Leave. It. Alone."

"I can't." Jasmine zipped her coat and picked up her keys before wrenching the door open. "I'll see you at work tomorrow. Bring me a fresh shirt and underwear."

Before Morven could respond, Jasmine took off down the walk, not pausing until she had reached her car. As she glanced at her reflection, she took a few deep breaths, trying to calm her rapidly beating heart. A small voice whispered to her heart that perhaps she was becoming too emotionally involved, but she didn't really care to listen to that voice at the moment. She could think about that more closely when Serena had been found, and things were a little more normal.

Even before she had made it a mile down the road, her phone began to ring, Morven's ringtone harsh and irritating to her ears. Slipping her hand in her pocket, she turned the ringer off and continued her drive from memory. The closer she got to Serena's home, the slower she drove, trying to keep an eye out for the woman as she went along. There was no sign of her, however, by the time Jasmine reached the house, and she parked, shutting off the car as she drew in a deep breath.

Looking up, she saw Jason standing in the front room, gazing out the window, and she took another deep breath before getting out of the vehicle and making her way up to the door. Before she could knock, Jason opened it, giving her a worried smile as he beckoned her indoors. "She hasn't come back yet. Did you see her at all?"

"No," she murmured as she wiped at her face, certain that tears were still clinging to her skin. "Do you know which direction she took off in?"

"To the east, but I lost track of where she went once the darkness swallowed her."

"Right, well, now I have a direction to look for her. Do you have a torch?" Jason nodded, and Jasmine followed him into the kitchen, watching him rummage through a drawer before pulling out a long torch and handing it to her.

"I just checked the batteries in it, so it works. Please, find her? I don't have anyone left."

Jasmine pursed her lips together as she tried to stave off a fresh bout of tears. "I will do my best, Jason. I promise you that." He nodded, and Jasmine completely lost it when he started crying. Knowing that she shouldn't impulsively hug him, she just opened her arms, letting him decide if he wanted a hug. When he stepped forward, closing his arms around her waist, she sighed and rubbed his back softly, trying to comfort him as best she could.

"I'll make tea for us, while you're gone," he said as he stepped away.

Jasmine nodded and took firmer hold of the torch as she made her way outside, turning to her right and walking quickly. The dark of the road unsettled her, and she turned the torch on, using it to guide her way. Thankfully, there weren't any cross streets for a long stretch of road, and she glanced from side to side as she searched for Serena.

A noise to her left caught her attention, and she turned and shone the light in that direction. Serena was sitting on the lawn of some lawn, copious tears falling down her face. "Thank God you didn't get far!" she exclaimed as she looked both ways before running across the road and kneeling down in front of her. "Serena?"

The woman looked up at her, and Jasmine sighed a little to see how puffy and red her eyes were. "I take it Jason called you?" She nodded. "I'm glad you came. Especially after how I treated you today. You didn't have to…"

"Hush, Serena. I would have come no matter what. Jason's worried about you, so let's get you home." She reached out and rubbed the woman's shoulder softly, trying to encourage her to stand. Serena gave her a small nod as she pushed herself off the ground and stumbled a little. Jasmine quickly popped up and wrapped an arm around Serena's waist, pulling her close as she led her back across the road.

The walk back was slow, and silent, but for Serena's sniffles. Jasmine found herself starting to cry silently the longer they walked. Serena clutched at the dip in her waist, and Jasmine winced a little to feel the sharp dig of fingers. "I, I'm going to sit in the garden for a bit. I don't want him to see me like this," she said as they came to a stop at the front door.

"You're freezing, Serena, and I don't think it would be particularly heathy for you to spend more time outside tonight." Jasmine clucked her tongue a little as she opened the door and guided Serena inside. There was a pause in the noise from the television, which Jasmine took as Jason's way of ensuring that they had come back, and she tightened her grip on Serena's waist as she led her towards him. "Now, Jason said he was going to put on a pot of tea, so while you get comfortable on the sofa, I'll get it ready for us."

Before she could think about her actions, Jasmine turned her head and pressed a quick kiss to the side of Serena's head as they entered the living room. Jason gave her a small smile from his spot on the recliner, and she nodded at him as she disentangled herself from Serena. The woman seemed to shrink in on herself as she made her way to the sofa and sat heavily, and Jasmine sighed a little as she turned and scurried off to the kitchen.

The kettle was still on the stove, and she pressed her hand gently to its side in order to see if she needed to reheat it. There was still quite a bit of warmth to it, so she pulled her hand away and rummaged through the cupboards until she found a few mugs. Stacking them together, she then lifted the kettle and carried everything back into the living room. Serena was staring down at her hands when she entered, and Jasmine smiled sadly as she set the mugs down, pouring out the tea before setting the kettle on a magazine and taking a seat next to the woman.

"This episode of Strongest Man is almost over. Is there something you'd like to watch?"

Jasmine wasn't certain who he was addressing, but Serena wasn't answering, so she shrugged a little. "I don't suppose that you'd mind watching a movie with us? I think _What We Did On Our Holiday_ is still on Netflix."

"Oh, that movie has the Tenth Doctor in it! I have watched that before, but it would be nice to see it again." He navigated through the menu and brought up the movie. As it started, Jasmine tugged the warm blanket down from the back of the sofa and wrapped it around her legs, tying not to give in to the overwhelming desire to lean against Serena, like she would have with her mother.

About halfway through the movie, Jason got up and shuffled out of the room, giving her a small wave, which she took to mean that he was heading up to bed. Jasmine smiled a little as she set aside her empty mug as she yawned deeply, scooting a little closer to Serena and listening to the little breaths she took, the soft chuckle that escaped her lips at a particularly funny spot, and then the exact moment that her heart broke and she started to sob.

Jasmine quickly scrambled for the remote and turned the television off, not certain what else she should do. "I didn't mean to make you sad again," she mumbled as she curled up against the opposite side of the sofa, staring at the woman.

"I didn't think that would trigger me like that," Serena replied brokenly. "I, I need to reach out to Bernie, to apologise for yelling at her, but I don't know what to say."

"Just tell her that you love her."

"I wish it was that simple."

"It is! Maybe I'm naïve, but, you love her, and you need to tell her that. Here, here's your phone – text her and let her know that you love her and want to talk the next time you're together."

Serena took the mobile from her hand and tapped her fingers against the screen, not unlocking it for a long time before finally frowning and furiously typing away. "There. Are you happy?"

"Yeah, a little. I don't want you guys to fall out because of me." Serena looked up at her, her lips quivering a little as she nodded. "Um, I kind of told Morven that I would be spending the night. I know where the spare pyjamas are kept, and where the guest room is. If you want to head to sleep, I can take care of everything down here."

"You're a sweet girl, Jasmine. I don't think you're told that enough." She shrugged, not feeling entirely comfortable with the compliment. "I wish that you didn't feel the need to come rescue me all the time, especially from my self-made disaster. I would have come home eventually. I just needed to get out of here."

"And you managed to upset Jason in the process. I know that that is the last thing you would want to do, but that's what happened!" Their eyes met, and Jasmine watched the tears pool in Serena's eyes. Sympathy tears welled up in her, and she nodded a little as Serena shrunk into herself, guilt washing over her face as she turned her gaze away from Jasmine.

"You're right, my actions have hurt so many people. But I feel so alone."

"You have Bernie!"

Serena gave a small shrug, and Jasmine let out a soft sound of commiseration under her breath as she reached out to touch the woman's shoulder, rubbing her thumb back and forth in order to comfort her. "I love Bernie, but I would have thought that Raf would have come by and visited. Or Mo. Or Sacha. Or Ric. Even Morven's pulled away from me, and I just can't seem to find a safe harbor with anyone. It's lonely, being the scary shouty one."

"Oh," she breathed out, realizing that Serena had overheard that particular conversation. In the silence that followed, Serena's quiet cries sounded incredibly loud, and Jasmine scooted closer to Serena, bringing the blanket with her and wrapping it over their legs as she rested her head against Serena's arm. Finally, the words bubbling in her mind refused to stay inside, and she drew in a deep breath. "Maybe they don't know how to deal with your grief, and so they stay away from fear of hurting you more. Which is ridiculous, Morven knows grief like an old friend."

"So does Ric. But they were sad. I'm not sad. I'm angry, so angry."

Jasmine shook her head a little as she bit her lip. "I don't know you, not that well, but I know when you're lying to yourself, because I've done that too much. I know the symptoms of that. I really think you are incredibly sad, and are using anger and loudness to cover up the soft sorrow that is eating at your heart."

There was a brief silence, broken by the sound of Serena's phone going off. Jasmine giggled a little to hear the sound of the TARDIS, and Serena softly swatted her knee as she leaned forward and picked it up. "Bernie apologized, too," she whispered, a brief moment of happiness breaking through the sorrow that had lined her voice since Jasmine had found her. "Darling, you don't have to spend the night, I'll be fine now."

"Well, be that as it may, I told Morven that I would be here all night, and I don't really want to go back."

"Maybe you need to reach out to her, too."

"Touché, Serena," she murmured as she pulled out her phone and sent a message to her friend, letting her know that Serena was okay, and that she would bring coffee for them both in the morning. "There, I did the hard thing, too."

"Thank you." Jasmine smiled a little when Serena leaned over and pressed her lips to the crown of her head before nudging her gently. "Get up, we're both exhausted and need our sleep." Jasmine nodded a little as she stood, grabbing the kettle handle and her mug, taking them into the kitchen. Serena was close behind her, and they set their mugs in the sink almost in tandem. "Put water in those, would you?"

She nodded as she did so, watching Serena pour out the excess tea. There was something so homey about their actions, and she was reminded of the good times with her mum. "Serena?"

"Yes, Jasmine?"

"I promise I'll do better tomorrow at work. I'll try not to disappoint you again." She wasn't quite prepared for the way that Serena embraced her tightly, but she returned the hug, nuzzling her face into the crook of the woman's shoulder as she tried to keep from sobbing on her shoulder, wondering if it really was possible to be more than the person her mother had formed her to be.


	7. Chapter 7

Serena was still almost smiling as she slipped into the passenger seat of Bernie's car. "You are in a much better mood now," her partner said lowly as she started the vehicle and backed out of her spot before starting to drive out of the parking lot. "What did Jasmine say to you just now?"

Serena hummed a little under her breath as she thought about the last few hours. She had lost her temper, yes, but she knew what Jasmine was capable of, and had just been trying to push her out of her comfort zone. It hadn't helped matters that Jac had gone to Henrik, believing things to be a little more fraught than they were, which had only served to make matters worse. Still, she didn't know if she wanted to share this with her partner.

She must have been too quiet, though, since Bernie reached out and touched her arm lightly at the stoplight. Serena turned her face to look at Bernie, noticing the soft look of concern there. It was the same look that had been on her face before she and Jasmine had really gotten into it, and she could hear the words that Bernie had murmured to her, admonishing her to not lash out. A horn behind them beeped angrily, and Bernie took off, Serena still reeling under her scrutiny. "You can shut me out now, but I would love some answers from you. We used to share everything."

"I know," she whispered as she reached over and rested her hand in the crook of Bernie's elbow, resting her cheek against the car seat as she watched Bernie drive. "And I just need a little time to process what happened. Today was a rather disconcerting day. And you had to keep working on paperwork."

Serena had tried to keep the accusatory tone out of her voice, but it seemed like she hadn't been completely successful, since Bernie stiffened her entire body, her knuckles turning white on the steering wheel. "Yes, well, I let that get a little too built up, trying to look after you."

"I keep hurting you," Serena whispered as she withdrew her hand and turned to stare out the window, tears rolling down her cheeks which she refused to swipe away, since she knew that would clue Bernie in on her sorrow. "I love you, and I don't know how to stop hurting you."

Almost before she knew it, Bernie had turned into the drive for her home, pulling into the garage next to Serena's car, turning the vehicle off. And yet, they still sat there, as if neither wanted to break the bubble of silence that had fallen around them. Bernie's hand slowly came to rest on her shoulder, and Serena turned her head to look into Bernie's soft brown eyes, seeing them shine with tears. "Do you want me to come in?"

"Yes," she whispered before turning to her completely, feeling free enough to wrap her in a tender embrace, her sobs welling up out of her once more. "I really need you here tonight?"

"Of course, Serena." Bernie's lips brushed against her forehead, and a tiny smile curved her lips upwards as they sighed in unison. "Let's head inside before Jason starts to really worry."

She nodded and unfolded herself from Bernie's embrace, slipping out of the car and grabbing her bag as she made her way up to the door. Bernie was right behind her, and she relished the slight warmth that radiated off her as she fumbled with the key, finally letting them both inside. "I left a shepherd's pie for Jason to put in for, well, for us. I was hoping that you'd be here."

"I'll always try to be here for you, Serena. You just have to let me in."

She let out a deep breath. "That's the hard part. For all that everyone says they're here for me, I still always seemed to be alone. You're the first person who came back, you see," she whispered as she took off her coat and hat, hanging them in their spot. Bernie followed suit with her things, and then Serena was stepping into her warm embrace, letting Bernie rub her back in soft circles. The scent of food caused her stomach to growl hungrily, and they laughed in unison as they made their way into the kitchen.

Jason was just laying the last plate on the table as they entered, and he gave her a wide smile. "You arrived at the perfect time, I just took the pie out of the oven and it only needs to cool for a few more minutes. Do you want me to open a bottle of wine tonight?"

Serena shook her head quickly. "No, I'm still abstaining, Jason. Unless…"

"I'll be fine with water or tea, Serena." She met Bernie's eye, giving her a small smile as she took a seat at the table, resting her chin in her hand as she watched Jason and Bernie interact. There was something so soothing about the fluid way they moved, as if they were really blood relatives, and she surreptitiously swiped away a few tears as she tried to get her emotions under control.

As they ate, she listened to Bernie and Jason talk, finding her words escaping her at the moment, though she did nod and murmur a little at appropriate spots in the conversation. "Jason, Bernie and I are going to talk in the sitting room for a little while. If you need us, please knock first?"

"Of course, Auntie Serena." He smiled as he cleared away their plates. Serena nodded a little as she picked up her water and made her way to the other room. She knew Bernie was following her, she could feel her presence at her back, and the thought filled her with a calm surety as she made her way to the loveseat.

"So, what did Jasmine say to you?"

"We couldn't start with something a little easier?" she asked wryly as she curled up in the corner of the seat. Bernie shook her head as she pulled Serena's feet into her lap, rubbing them softly as she continued to look gaze at Serena. "Of course not, you always push me to be my best self. She, she still wants me to be her mentor. After everything that's happened, she sees me as someone who will push her to be her best self."

"And you agreed?"

There was a slight tone of censure in Bernie's voice, and Serena arched an eyebrow as she nodded. "Of course! We work well together, and just as iron sharpens iron, so do we sharpen each other. I see so much of myself in her…"

Serena winced as Bernie dug her thumb in a little too roughly into the arch of her foot. "Sorry, darling. I didn't mean to let my fingers slip like that. I have to ask, though, do you really think that's a good idea? You do not want to become too codependent."

"I know that, Bernie. However, at this moment, we need each other."

Bernie was about to say something more when Serena's phone rang. It was her generic staff ringtone, which told her someone on AAU was calling. Pulling out the mobile, she glanced at the screen and felt her eyes widen to see that it was Jasmine on the other end of the line. "Don't tell me."

"I won't, then," she murmured as she accepted the call and brought it to her ear. "Hello, darling. Is everything all right?"

Bernie sighed a little, but she continued to rub Serena's feet gently as she awaited Jasmine's reply. "I, I don't feel the best."

"Are you still at Albie's?" she asked as she gave Bernie a concerned look. The fingers on her foot stilled, and she shrugged a little, struggling to hear any noises in the background that would clue her in on exactly where Jasmine was. "Jasmine?"

"I told the cabbie to bring me to your house. I hope that was okay."

"It will be fine, darling. Just get here safely."

"Yes, Serena." There was another long pause, and she heard Jasmine swallow thickly, almost as if she was going to throw up. "I should be there in ten?"

"The light will be on for you, darling. And the door will be unlocked."

"Okay."

And just like that, Jasmine was gone, and Serena was lowering the mobile onto her stomach as she stared at Bernie's hands. "What's up?"

"Jasmine doesn't feel well, and asked the cab driver to bring her here. Would you mind unlocking the front door and turning the light on for her?"

Bernie cocked her head to one side as she nodded, but Serena could see that she wasn't particularly thrilled with the fact that Jasmine was intruding on their alone time. Still, she got up and pressed her lips to Serena's forehead before striding from the room, and whilst she was gone, Serena changed the ringtone for Jasmine to something that she would know upon hearing. It was something she should have done weeks ago, honestly.

"All right, Serena, everything's just as you asked. I'm going to watch World's Strongest with Jason, and then turn in. Join me?"

"Of course," she replied as she looked at Bernie over the back of the loveseat. "Bernie?"

"Yes, Serena?"

"You do know that it's you I love, right?" Some of the tension slipped from Bernie's shoulders as her face softened into a gentle smile as she nodded. "Good, because I don't want you to worry that Jasmine is taking your place. She's not. You're my Bernie, the one who stayed by my side all these weeks, the one who's loved my jagged pieces. Jasmine just needs someone right now, in the same way that I need someone." Bernie frowned. "No, that came out wrong, I need to feel useful to her, that I'm leading her. You have Morven, Bernie. Surely you know what I'm trying to say."

Bernie let out a soft chuckle as she nodded. "I do, funnily enough. I just want you to tread carefully. I trust you'll recognize when things get out of hand again." Serena nodded, and Bernie smiled a little as she blew her a kiss.

Serena sighed a little as she settled back onto the loveseat and stared at her water glass. Somehow, she must have fallen asleep, since the next thing she knew, the loveseat was dipping beneath the weight of another body, and she sat upright with a start, turning her head to see who had joined her. Jasmine gave her a pained look, and she sighed a little as she lifted her arm, letting the young woman fall onto her, Jasmine's head thumping painfully onto her chest.

Bernie stepped inside the room as well, running her fingers through Serena's hair before caressing her face, almost as if she was letting Jasmine know just who Serena belonged to, and the jealous move made Serena feel better about the state of their relationship. "I'll be in the living room with Jason. Please, do not fall asleep on the loveseat tonight."

"Yes, darling," she murmured before puckering her lips. Bernie shook her head a little before kissing her gently. "Make certain you put the hot water bottle in the bed before you go to sleep. It's supposed to be very cold tonight."

"Okay." Bernie kissed her once more before leaving the room, and Serena turned her focus back on Jasmine. The young woman looked off, and she wracked her brain to try and pinpoint when she had started to look so jittery. Her hands were lightly tapping out a rapid rhythm on her thighs, and Serena slowly rested her hands atop Jasmine's, forcing them to be still.

"What's wrong?"

"I think I drank too much tonight. But it didn't feel like more than I usually do. I just, I can't sit still, and I feel nauseated, and I knew I had to be with someone, but Morven's with this guy she met online, and I wanted to give her space, and even though you yelled at me today, you were still the safer choice than Jac."

Serena began to rub her thumbs back and forth over Jasmine's hands, trying to soothe her. "Well, I'm glad that you took a cab here, rather than drove. It wasn't very smart to drink so much, though, as you've found out." Jasmine nodded before tugging one hand away and covering her mouth with it in an effort to keep from losing the contents of her stomach. "Now, let's get you upstairs and into something a little more comfortable."

"Okay."

Serena sighed a little as she bent her head, kissing the crown of Jasmine's before gently prodding her to her feet. Jasmine wobbled a little, still looking jittery and ill. Without hesitation, Serena slung her arm lowly around her waist and guided her out of the room and up the stairs. Wordlessly, they went into the guest room, and Jasmine tripped over to the bed, sitting heavily and holding her head in her hands as she took deep breaths.

"I'm just going to run out and get you a shirt and shorts."

Jasmine nodded a little as she sat back up, undoing the straps on her dungarees, and Serena quickly turned to scurry from the room, wanting to offer the young woman some privacy. Bernie was just getting to the top of the stairs as she was opening the closet to pull out the set of pyjamas that Jasmine had quickly claimed as hers on the nights she had spent over, and Serena gave her a tired smile. "How is our young doctor?" Bernie asked as she crossed the distance between them, wrapping her arms around Serena's middle and pulling her back against her chest.

"Ill. It appears that she had a little too much to drink tonight, and it's catching up to her. There might be something more to it, though, given how her hands were skittering about as she rested against me." Bernie made a soft sound of agreement as she nuzzled her nose into the side of Serena's neck. "Make certain you remember…"

"The hot water bottle, yes, darling. I'll do that as soon as I finish showering." Bernie kissed her cheek as she let her go. "Now go, finish taking care of our wayward lamb."

Serena sighed a little as she nodded, heading into the guest room and closing the door behind her. Jasmine was down to her underwear, a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. "Darling?"

"I really don't feel well."

It was true, her face had taken on an even paler cast with faint green undertones, and she stroked her hair lightly as she took a seat, letting Jasmine curl up close to her as she wrapped her arm around her shoulders, rocking them back and forth gently as she started to sing lowly. This seemed to relax Jasmine and she cuddled in even closer, her fingers worrying the fabric of Serena's blouse. "What do you think would make you feel better?"

"I don't know. This doesn't feel like a normal hangover. I think I really fucked up somehow, and I don't want to be alone. Could I curl up on the floor in your room? Mum always…" Jasmine's words broke off as she started to cry, and Serena tightened her hold on her, turning her head and pressing her lips to the side of Jasmine's head before pushing herself away and holding out the sleepwear.

Jasmine quickly changed, not bothering to take off her bra as she pulled on the shirt, and then she was looking up at Serena, a sad look on her face. "Follow me," she replied with a tiny sigh before holding her hand out to the girl. Jasmine's hand was still shaking when she clasped Serena's, and that did concern her a little, and she tightened her grip as she led Jasmine into her bedroom.

Bernie was stretching out on the bed when they entered, and she let out a little chuckle when she saw that Serena wasn't alone. "You can take a doctor out of the hospital, but you can't take the doctor out of the woman, eh, Serena?"

"I just don't like how shaky Jasmine is still. The chair will be fine to curl up in for one night," she replied, leading Jasmine over to said chair. As she sat down, Serena moved over to the armoire and pulled out a thick quilt. It had been her mother's at one point, and she had always meant to give it to Elinor one day, so it made sense that she would let Jasmine use it.

"Here, have the water bottle, too, Jasmine. I'll just have to deal with the blocks of ice that Serena calls her feet." Bernie handed it over, and Serena gave her a warm smile before tucking the quilt around the young woman, letting her head come to rest on Bernie's chest as they both watched her.

"Um, I don't think I'll fall asleep with you both staring at me. It's a little unnerving," Jasmine quietly said, and Bernie nodded, leading Serena over to the bed. "And thank you?"

"It is our pleasure, Jasmine. I'm just glad that you felt secure enough with us to come here," Bernie replied as she pulled back the covers, crawling into bed as Serena turned the lights off. She had to check the urge to go back over to Jasmine and give her a soft kiss, instead grabbing out a soft nightie from the dresser and stepping into the en suite, changing quickly and washing off her makeup before heading back to bed.

She turned her gaze on Jasmine, seeing that she was already asleep, and she sighed as she made herself comfortable next to Bernie. "She wanted to sleep on the floor, Berenice. The floor!"

A deep sigh tumbled from Bernie's lips as she nodded. "I get it, Serena. You feel protective of your protégé. And tonight, that is perfectly okay, since she is obviously ill. But I'm still going to remind you of the boundaries you need to keep."

"I know, darling, I know. I'm trying?"

Bernie reached out and stroked her hair, nodding a little before leaning in to kiss Serena. "I know you are, Serena, and I'm glad that you are. And I'll be here for you, all the way." Serena sighed as she nodded, scooting closer to her partner as she rested her head on Bernie's pillow, letting the sound of two sets of breaths lull her to sleep.


	8. Chapter 8

Jasmine finished texting with Morven and sighed as she flopped back on the bed, staring up at the tiles, finding herself counting them for the hundredth time. There was no comfort to be found on this mattress, even the chair in Serena's bedroom provided her more relief, but she couldn't go there, and she couldn't go to the flat. A part of her felt like a bird without a nest, flung out into the world far too soon, which she knew was a tad overdramatic, but there it was.

Sleep, however much wanted, continued to elude her, and she picked up her phone once more, calling up her messages and tapping on Serena's name, banking on her still being up. _Is there anything you want me to study for tomorrow's shift?_

The reply came quicker than she expected. _Why are you still up? You looked exhausted when we were talking earlier._

_I can't sleep_ , she replied honestly, knowing Serena would expect nothing less of her. _My mind just won't quiet down. And I've been stupid._ She pressed send quickly, before she could edit her reply to her mentor.

_Stupid how?_

Taking a deep breath, she pressed the call option and brought her mobile to her ear, waiting to hear Serena pick up. "I've been taking caffeine pills in order to stay awake longer. I've so much to learn!"

"Not at the expense of your health! Are you home?"

"No," she replied in a small voice, the first tired tears starting to roll down her cheeks. "I'm in the on-call room again. It's easier than going home and being alone." Bernie's words about her seeing Serena as a replacement mother figure floated to the surface of her mind, and she shook her head to get rid of them, knowing they cut too close to the truth, especially given that today had been her real mother's birthday.

"You won't get good rest there, darling. Please, come home, I'll turn the stoop light on for you."

Jasmine winced a little, immediately picking up on the almost casual way Serena had labelled her house as Jasmine's home. "You don't really want me invading your space yet again, Serena," she softly said, trying to ignore the painful throbbing of her heart as she turned down the kind offer.

"I wouldn't have said that if it weren't true," was the snappish reply, and Jasmine nodded a little as she sat up. "I'd let you park in the garage, but Bernie has the spare opener, and it would look decidedly odd if we drove in together, anyway. But at least here, I can keep an eye on you."

Somehow, Jasmine knew she was fighting a losing battle, and she let her lips tip up in a tiny smile. "You have a point there, I suppose. I'll just park on the street, then?"

"No, pull into the drive and park in front of the left-hand side of the garage. That's Bernie's side."

"Okay," she whispered. "I'll see you shortly." Hanging up before Serena could say anything else, Jasmine hurriedly packed up her bag before slipping into her coat and making her way down the stairwell, headed towards her car.

"Burning the midnight oil, Ms Burrows?"

Gasping a little, she turned to look up at Hanssen, giving him an almost guilty smile. "Actually, headed home now, sir," she replied, fidgeting with the strap on her bag. "Have a lot of laundry to do after these long days with Ms Campbell."

"And how is she treating you?" he asked as he came down a few steps, allowing her to more easily look into his eyes.

"Fine, just fine. We've found a healthier balance, now that we've been able to get everything out on the table. She's exactly what I need."

"And you will let me know if things get out of hand once more?"

His eyes were so gently as he gazed at her, and Jasmine gave him a small nod and smile. "Of course, sir. Though I really think that everything will be all right now. Look! She's given me this."

She pulled out Elinor's Head Girl badge, showing it to him. As she watched, his face fell for only an instant, and Jasmine frowned a little as he picked up the badge from her hand, fingering it slightly. "This is, I'm assuming, Elinor's?"

Jasmine nodded, watching him carefully as he worried the badge between his thumb and forefinger. The move filled her with a very different sort of anxiety then when Alex Lambert had been manhandling it. "But Serena wanted me to have it! I tried to give it back to her, but she insisted I take it."

The tender, gentle, look was back on his face, and she felt tears well up in her eyes as he handed the badge back to her before resting his hand on her shoulder. The warm, heavy, weight was not a comfort, though the aura he was radiating did set her a bit at ease. "I believe we need to talk."

"I can't. She's waiting for me!"

The hand on her shoulder tightened a little as he gave her a searching look. "She can wait a few minutes longer. This is important. Text her of the slight change in plans."

Jasmine nodded as she let him guide her down to Pulses, slipping into the booth he pointed to while he got them something to drink. It didn't surprise her that he returned with water for her, tea for him, and she accepted the bottle gratefully before texting Serena. _Hanssen stopped me for a small chat. I'll be home as soon as I can._

"All right, what's so important?" she asked a bit peevishly, surprised with how much she sounded like Serena in that moment.

There was a long pause as he wrapped his hands around the mug and looked at her. "A gesture like this concerns me, greatly. How much do you know about Ms Campbell?"

"Only that she was Head Girl as well, at the same school as Elinor, and that she's an amazing surgeon and mentor. She doesn't tell me much about her personal life." Jasmine decided not to tell Hanssen about the nights she'd spent by Serena's side, in Serena's home, since those were so personal to her.

He seemed to sense that she was holding back, however, by the understanding look in his eye. "What I'm telling you stays between us, is that understood?" She nodded. "Good. Years ago, when Serena was at Harvard, she went through a period of deep depression. And one of the situations that arose led to her nearly taking her own life."

Jasmine gasped as she took hold of the Head Girl badge, looking at it in confusion. "She has Bernie for a partner. She has a support system in place. She wouldn't do anything like that now," she quickly said, holding the badge close to her heart as she searched his eyes.

"One of the signs that suicidal ideation is coming to the forefront of a person's mind is the desire to give important, cherished, objects to another person. It's their way of both saying 'I love you' and 'good bye'."

Fat tears began to roll down her face as she shook her head. "She doesn't love me."

"Are you certain about that? Maybe from her perspective, it is love that she feels for you. You, after all, have been so close to her these last few months. Almost as if she was more than a mentor?"

"Bernie implied the same thing. Neither of us are seeking replacements for what we lost."

The words sounded hollow to her ears, and even Hanssen seemed disinclined to believe her. "You are treading very dangerous waters here, Ms Burrows. With both of you pushing each other so hard, one of you is going to break. And I don't want it to be either of you."

She gave a small nod as she slipped the badge back into her pocket once more. "I'm going to look out for her."

"And who's going to look after you?" he asked as she stood up, his gaze never leaving hers.

"Either Jac, or you. You do a wonderful job, really, of seeing that we're all being treated fairly and kindly. You're kind of amazing, you know," she stammered, turning to scurry away from him before she could embarrass herself any more that evening.

It didn't take long to get to her car, and the minute she was pulling out of the parking lot, she called Serena. "I take it you've finally been dismissed from his presence?" Serena asked the moment she answered.

"Something like that, yeah. I'm going to make us a pot of tea to drink as you talk to me. Somehow, I have the feeling that we're going to be up for a while."

"You think right. And the tea will be ready by the time you arrive, along with a sandwich or two. If you're neglecting one aspect of your health, I'm concerned about the others, too."

Jasmine swallowed thickly. "You don't have to go out of your way for me, Serena."

"Nonsense. This is nothing. Besides, Jason's over at Alan's again tonight, so I need someone to care for."

_That's the problem_ , Jasmine thought before answering. "You have a good heart. Though I wish that it was for someone better."

"Darling, don't do that to yourself. Just get home as quickly as possible. Okay?"

"Yes, Serena." Jasmine hung up and slipped the phone into the cup holder as she continued to drive, knowing the way by heart at that point. There weren't many cars out at that time of night, so she arrived quicker than she had anticipated. True to her word, Serena had turned the light on, and as she parked, Jasmine found herself dreading a little what was to come.

The door was opening the moment Jasmine stepped up on the stoop, and her shoulders slumped as she looked at the concerned, disappointed, look on Serena's face. Unable to stop herself, she broke down in tears and let Serena pull her inside, taking her bag from her shoulder before pulling her into a tight hug. "You're here now, everything will be all right," the older woman murmured in her ear, and Jasmine just nodded against the crook of her neck, trying to get control of herself as she was led into the living room.

They sat heavily on the sofa, and Jasmine curled up into as small a ball as possible, letting Serena rock her back and forth as she murmured soothingly in her ear. "I just don't know where things went wrong. I collapsed today, and that allowed Alex to back me into a corner, and that almost compromised everything."

"You collapsed?"

"Yeah, and Alex Lambert was there. I don't like him, he seemed to be able to find my weaknesses in a heartbeat and picked at them until I agreed to do what he wanted, in order to get him off my back." Slowly, she unfolded her body so that she could turn and face Serena. The tender concern on her face made Jasmine want to cry all the harder, but she instead tried to stifle those tears, knowing that self-pity would get her nowhere. "I'm sorry."

"We all make mistakes, but as long as you acknowledge those mistakes and move forward, then I won't worry so much." Serena reached up and stroked her cheek before cupping her chin, her gaze tracking across Jasmine's face, as if looking for something that Jasmine wasn't telling her. "Darling, please, I need you to take care of yourself."

"I know. I'm sorry!" She looked down into her lap, allowing Serena to kiss her forehead tenderly before holding her close once more. "I just seem to keep messing up, and you end up in the crossfire. It probably wasn't pleasant, having to deal with my sister in surgery earlier. She just doesn't understand how much you've helped me out. And yes, we did let things get maybe a tad bit out of hand, but everything is okay now. Right? You're in a better headspace, and I'm in a better headspace, and though everything is hard, we have people in our lives that will walk beside us and help us out. Right?"

Serena just gave her a sad smile, and Jasmine nodded a little as she sighed, leaning forward to hug Serena tightly. It seemed that they were both quite adapt at lying to themselves, and yet she didn't know how to even begin to ask for the truth from Serena. "You're too much like I was at your age, Jasmine. And you see too much," she murmured in Jasmine's ear, and the first broken sob escaped Serena's throat as they clung to each other.

"I learned early on to observe people, well, women, really, since I had to learn how to please my mum. Not that I'm trying to make you into my mum, Bernie's wrong about that! You just, you need me and I need you." The words tumbled from her lips before she could stop them, and she felt Serena tighten her grip around her waist before she let her go and pulled away.

"Well, I need you to eat for me, then. Please."

"As long as you eat, too. And tell me some stories about Elinor? You told me that you stay up most nights, looking at old pictures and memories. You might as well tell those memories to someone who can carry them into the future. Right?"

Serena smiled a little as she chucked Jasmine's chin lightly. "Right." Getting up, she held her hand out to Jasmine, and she clasped it tightly, letting the other woman pull her to her feet. Serena tucked her hand into the crook of her elbow and brought her into the kitchen. Jasmine took a seat at the table, pouring out cups of tea while Serena set a plate of sandwiches down in front of them.

"So, tell me about Elinor's first pet."

Serena blushed a little as she took a seat, picking up a sandwich and nibbling at it as she smiled. "We didn't have any pets. Edward and I divorced when Elinor was three, and it was hard enough to try and take care of her, let alone an animal. Though she did take riding lessons for a few years, when she was going through her horse crazy phase. I have the most adorable picture of her in a Victorian style riding costume, and as soon as I find it, I'll show you."

"Ah." Jasmine had known, in the back of her mind, that Serena had always lived a life of privilege, but hearing it confirmed took a little wind out of her. "We, we never had money for a pet. I always wanted a dog, one of those little fluffy ones? Mum said that they were yappy, though, and it was just another mouth to feed. As I grew older, I realized that she was right."

Serena reached across the table, and rubbed her forearm lightly. "There's always time, now, you know."

"Yeah, but with these crazy hours, it wouldn't be fair to a pet, now would it? Maybe one day, when I'm in a more stable work cycle, I'll get one." Serena's hand tightened around her arm, and she gave the woman a watery smile. "Sometimes, it's okay to let dreams go to field. Not every one is meant to come to fruition."

She swallowed thickly as she picked up her own sandwich, needing to put some space between them once more. Serena gave her a tender look, her eyes shining brightly in the soft light of the kitchen, and Jasmine felt more tears rolling down her cheeks as she began to eat. "But sometimes, when we defer our dreams, they come back to us when we need them most." Their gazes locked, and Jasmine wondered just who or what Serena was referring to, though she knew that she would never ask for the answer, since it wouldn't be one that she liked.


	9. Chapter 9

There had been something about the way that Jasmine had addressed her that had disheartened Serena. The very stiff cast of her shoulders, the way her eyes had never quite met hers, and the quiet reply had all pointed to something being very wrong, and that it revolved around Morven. Still, she hadn't been able to get in touch with Bernie or Morven to try and get a better read on the situation.

"I'm heading home now, Serena. Unless…"

She looked up from her computer to give Bernie a small, sad, smile. "I have quite a bit of paperwork to catch up on, darling, otherwise I'd join you at your flat. Is there anyone around?" Bernie shook her head a little. "Good, come here."

Bernie closed the distance between them, and Serena let her smile widen a little. "What is it?"

"I'd like a good night kiss, since there's no one out there to spy on us. If you feel comfortable with that." Bernie gave her a small nod before crouching down and leaning in. Their heads came closer and closer together until their lips were touching softly, and she sighed a little as the kiss lingered on, soft and sweet. "Thank you," she whispered as they pulled apart. She watched Bernie's face closely, trying to suss out how she was feeling, and was relieved to see the happy look in her eyes.

"You're most welcome. Call me before you go to sleep? I hate to sound like a wet blanket, but I want to make certain that you got home all right."

She laughed lightly as she nodded. "I would do the same to you, if I were in the same position. It's one of the reasons that I love you." Bernie blushed at her words, and Serena nodded a little before ducking her head into her chest. "Go, before I ask you to stay and watch me do my paperwork. Because that would be such the fun evening."

Bernie nodded and gave her another quick kiss before standing and reaching out to caress Serena's hair. She leaned into the touch, sighing softly as Bernie stepped away from her. "If you kept looking at me like that, I wouldn't be able to let you get any work done."

"Sorry."

"Don't be, it's lovely look on you. You just need to focus and get that finished. Yes?"

"Yes." They nodded to each other, and then Bernie was packing up her bag before briskly leaving the room. Serena couldn't help but watch her leave, feeling a bit of her heart leave with her partner. "And then I didn't ask about Morven and Jasmine. Oh, well, I'll just have to try and pull it out of Jasmine tomorrow."

Settling in to her work, she made good headway before starting to yawn a little too much. Standing, she decided to nip down to Pulses and grab a cup of coffee before settling in to finish the last third of what she needed to complete. Rummaging through her purse, she pulled out the right amount, shoving it in her pocket before slipping out of her office and heading down the hall.

For some reason, she passed by the on call room as she went, and she paused, seeing the light on and the door slightly ajar. From inside the room, she could hear the soft sounds of tears, and her mothering instinct took over. Gently pushing the door open, she peeked her head in and saw that Jasmine was curled up on the bed, her head tucked into her chest as she sobbed quietly.

Serena closed the door softly behind her, making certain it latched, before making her way over to Jasmine's side, taking a seat on the edge of the bed and reaching out to stroke her hair lightly. Jasmine started a little, her eyes flying open to focus on Serena. Gasping a little, she hurriedly sat up, drawing her knees up to her chest as her gaze darted around the room, looking anywhere but at her. "Is everything okay, Ms. Campbell?"

"I heard you crying, Jasmine. I think that I should be asking you that question." Reaching out, she rubbed Jasmine's knee softly, trying to get her to open up a little to her, knowing that she needed someone to pay her some attention, to comfort her in that moment.

Jasmine's lips twitched up a little, even as her chin dug into her chest a little more. "You need to leave me alone, Serena."

The heartbroken way Jasmine spoke those words did little to ease the hurt they caused, and she pulled her hand back, noticing the way Jasmine flinched at the move. "Why would you think that?"

"Because I'm toxic. I destroy every relationship I'm in, something I should have realized from the moment I stepped foot in Holby. I've already started it with you, you need to leave me alone before I completely fuck things up between us. I like you too much to see you fall because of me."

A soft breath slipped from between Serena's lips as she shook her head a little, reaching out once more to rest her hand on Jasmine's knee, letting her thumb rub back and forth as she willed the young woman to look up at her. It took a few moments, but then Jasmine was lifting her head, tears still tracking down her cheeks. "I promise you, there's not much that you could do that would make me grieve even more than I already am. And I think we've moved past the toxic part of our relationship, don't you?"

Jasmine shrugged a little as she lowered one hand to cover Serena's, curling the fingers around the meat of her palm. "Morven doesn't seem to think so."

It all came back to Morven and the earlier tension. "What happened between you? Obviously, whatever it was, you don't feel comfortable enough going home."

"I don't have a home, not anymore," came the low whisper, and Serena gasped a little at the implication. "Morven kicked me out, and rightfully so. I'm just going to bunk here for a few days, until I can find something I can afford. Maybe a hotel that rents by the month, I don't need much, since most of my time is spent here, anyway. I was just so lonely, you see, and it seemed like harmless fun, but it wasn't, and now I've lost my best friend. She said that we're still mates, but…I don't want a mate. I want a friend!"

Sobs choked out her words once more, and Serena opened her arms, letting the younger woman collapse against her as she rocked them back and forth. Unconsciously, she dropped a soft kiss to the top of Jasmine's head, knowing that it wasn't the best idea in the world, but the girl needed comforting, and touch was one of the things to offer that. "You'll make yourself sick if you cry this hard, darling. Try to get control of yourself, and I'll take you home with me. I can't let you sleep here when you're not feeling well."

"You don't need to take care of me."

_Ah, but I do_ , she thought as she shook her head. "Nonsense. The wellbeing of my F1 is paramount to me. And since it looks like you've still got your shoes on, stand up, put on your coat, and we'll head home."

Jasmine shook her head a little before letting out a soft sigh. "You won't take no for an answer, I know that already. I do wish that you cared less, because we're going to end up destroying each other in the end," she murmured as she pulled away from Serena and stood up. There was a deep air of sadness that clung to the young woman, and Serena reached out, grabbing hold of her hand and squeezing tightly. Jasmine squeezed back before shaking off her hand and tugging on her jacket. "All right, I guess I'm ready to go."

Serena nodded a little before gesturing towards the door. Jasmine gave her a weak smile before leaving the room, and Serena turned the lights off before leading her to the car park, guiding her towards her car. Jasmine didn't let out even a peep of protest as Serena opened her car door, slipping behind the wheel and waiting for Jasmine to join her.

"I'll make us something light to eat while you make tea, and when it's ready, I want to hear about this bad blood between you and Morven." Jasmine made a tiny sound of agreement, and Serena sighed a little as she started the car and then drove off into the night. Though they were quiet the entire time it took to get to her home, her mind continued to spin out reasons for why Jasmine might be so sorrowful. What could possibly drive a wedge between two such close friends, in such a short period of time, she wondered, knowing just how devastated she would be if she and Bernie had ever had a falling out, back before they were lovers. "We're home."

"Yeah."

Jasmine slowly got out of the car and let herself inside, not checking to see if Serena was following her, and she shook her head a little as she dug out her phone, checking to see if she had any messages from Bernie. There was a short one, telling her how much she was loved, and she smiled as she tapped out a quick reply, telling her about her love for Bernie, and then asking for her to look after Morven. Once the message was sent, she put the phone back into her pocket and headed inside herself, finding Jasmine filling up the kettle at the sink.

Deciding to leave her be for the moment, Serena went over to the fridge and looked to see what was there. It seemed like Jason hadn't eaten the leftover shepherd's pie, and she knew that would heat up quickly. Taking it out, she popped the dish into the microwave and set the timer for a few minutes before rummaging through the cupboard and getting out plates and mugs, setting the table and then taking a seat, watching as Jasmine rifled through her tea collection, trying to settle on a particular flavor.

"When did you get rose tea?" the young woman finally asked, opening the box and pulling out two tea bags.

"I think Bernie picked that box up last week, after I mentioned I hadn't had it in years." A tender smile slipped across her face as Jasmine placed a bag in each mug before rescuing the food from the microwave. "Take as much as you want, darling. I'm not too terribly hungry."

"You need to keep your strength up. Isn't that what you always tell me?"

A soft blush stained her cheeks as she nodded, still waiting for Jasmine to go first. With a small shake of her head, Jasmine took about half of what was left in the dish before pushing it towards her, letting Serena dish out what she wanted. The kettle whistled, and she smiled at the quick way Jasmine popped to her feet and poured the water into their mugs. "So, because you can use the food as a buffer, what is going on between you and Morven?"

Jasmine picked at her food with her fork, staring into the plate. "I may have been catfishing her? Because I wanted to see her happy? It was stupid, I know, but I thought that I could just get her feet back under her, and then she'd find her own guy to go out with, and I could retire Nathan to the recesses of the internet. She figured me out, though, and now she hates me."

"I thought you said that she still wanted to be mates?"

"Mates is so different from friends. Like you, you're mates with Fletch and Raf, Hanssen's your friend. There's a big difference, isn't there?" Serena nodded. "Yeah. And I don't have many friends, really. Just Morven. You, you're different. I don't know what you are to me, other than someone I care for. And the idea that I could possibly fuck this all up scares me."

Her words broke off as she focused on her food, and Serena knew enough not to push her any more in that moment. Instead, she took a long sip of tea before nibbling at her food. "I don't know what to say that would allay your fears, Jasmine. We always risk when we put ourselves out there. And yes, you made a mistake with Morven, darling. But mistakes can usually be fixed."

It was Serena's turn to stop talking, her thoughts turning to her daughter, and the mistakes that had led up to her death. If she was honest, there were things that she could have done differently with Elinor, that might have changed the course of fate, and there were things that Jasmine could have done differently, too. Jasmine seemed to read her thoughts, as she lifted her head and met Serena's gaze, her eyes filling with tears. "Not the sort of mistakes that I make."

"Jasmine…"

She shrugged, picking up her mug and drinking, as if she needed time to gather her emotions. "My mistakes keep adding up. They keep causing more and more damage, to people I really care about." Jasmine tucked her chin into her chest. "Sometimes, I think it might be better if I just disappeared completely."

Serena set her mug down with a sharp thud, some tea sloshing out onto the table. "Never let me hear you say that, ever again! If you honestly feel like that, there is no shame in talking to someone about it." Jasmine's head shot up, and Serena angrily swiped at her cheeks, trying to clear away evidence of her own tears. "You have so much life left to live."

"Do I?"

Her heart broke a little as she nodded. "You do. Oh, darling, if you only knew." Knowing it was useless to try and stop her tears now, she let them fall down her face as she wrapped her hands around her mug and held it close to her chest, imitating Bernie, as she watched Jasmine carefully.

"I suppose that I can trust you, then."

"Please, do. It does get better. Temporary problems should never have permanent solutions. I know that full well." Serena let her lips curve upwards as she stood and brought her plate over to the trash, scraping off the remnants before placing the plate in the washer. Jasmine copied her movements before wrapping her arms around Serena's waist and resting her cheek against her back. Serena covered Jasmine's hands with her own and sighed lightly. "Jasmine?"

"I know, this is dangerous ground we're walking on, but I needed to feel you close to me. And if I can't look at your face, I can pretend that you're someone else. I miss my mum sometimes, you know."

"I do. I miss my mum, too," she whispered, a wave of sorrow sweeping over her. "I miss my mum, I miss Elinor, I miss Arthur. I'm losing Jason. And who is going to be left? Eventually, I'll just push Bernie away, too, and truly be alone once more. Maybe I was supposed to be alone."

That was something she hadn't even told her therapist, and she wondered why she was being so honest with Jasmine, burdening her with sorrow that wasn't even hers. "No, Serena, you were never meant to be alone. You care too much about people for that to be true. Have you, that is, are you coming up out of the canyon at all?"

"I thought I was, for a moment, but I'm not too certain now." Jasmine's arms tightened around her waist, and she smiled sadly at her reflection in the kitchen window. "I'm going to keep fighting, though. Life is precious, after all."

"That it is," Jasmine softly replied, and they sighed in tandem. Somehow, Serena knew that they were very close to reaching the point of no return, and yet she still didn't know how to put some much needed distance between them, and she doubted if she would ever find the strength to do so.


	10. Chapter 10

Jasmine settled back on the bed in the on-call room, hoping that no one had seen her duck in with her overstuffed knapsack. She had used her day off to pack up as many of her clothes as she could, knowing that she wouldn't be able to face Morven just yet. It had been a week since they'd had words, since Serena had taken her home and looked after her. They'd fallen asleep on the couch, watching an inane movie, and for a moment, when she had first woken up, she almost thought her mother was still alive and holding her. It had been embarrassing, calling Serena mum, and she had scurried up to the bathroom to take a long shower, hoping that the woman would make no mention of it when she came back down for breakfast.

And then, she hadn't made mention of it, though she had given her a small, awkward, smile as she plated up the toast and tomatoes for all of them. Jason had immediately launched into a conversation with her, allowing her to focus on something other than the way Serena kept glancing at her, as if she wanted to say something, but couldn't find the right words.

"Ah, Jasmine, did you want to head down to Pulses and get a coffee before I head home? Bernie got caught in a late surgery, there were complications, and since we drove in together today, I can't leave until she does."

She looked up to see Serena peeking in the door, a hesitant smile on her lips. As Jasmine dragged her eyes up her face, looking into her eyes, she saw that at some point the woman had been crying, and knew that she couldn't refuse the request. "That actually sounds really nice, but I don't think I can afford…"

"Nonsense, I'll cover it. Come along."

Jasmine nodded as she got up off the bed, tucking a stray piece of hair behind her ear as she followed Serena out to the stairwell and down to the coffee shop. There were still a few people milling about, and she sighed a little as she caught sight of Jac leaving the hospital, arm in arm with her latest partner. "At least one of us is happy," she murmured bitterly as they got in line.

"I'm sorry, darling?"

Her head shot up at the sound of Serena's voice, and she shrugged. "Jac. She just looks so happy with Mateo. I wish I was happy like that." Serena reached out and patted her arm lightly before grabbing a few pastries and approaching the barista.

"I need a large black coffee and a large caffé mocha, please," she said as she set the pastries down on the counter. "Along with two ham and cheese toasties."

"Serena."

"I haven't had supper yet, and if I wait much longer, I'll waste away," was the quick reply, and Jasmine pursed her lips a little, knowing an argument was useless. After Serena had paid, she turned to Jasmine and handed over the pastries. "Go and find us a table, please."

"Of course." Jasmine spied an empty booth in the back corner of the room, and quickly made her way over there, sliding into it and setting out the pastries before curling up against the wall and staring at the tabletop.

"Pulses seems to be quite the popular place tonight." She glanced up to see Hanssen there, a warm smile on his lips. "But nothing to drink?"

"Serena's bringing those with sandwiches," she quietly replied. "You're free to join us, if you want."

Hanssen shook his head, his smile never wavering. "I think that you two will have an easier time talking if I'm not here. But thank you for the invitation. It's so good to see the two of you getting along so well now." A guilty blush stained her cheeks as she nodded. "Doctor Burrows?"

"Nothing, sir. We are getting along much better, yes. I, I really respect her. She's the best mentor a doctor could ask for." She smiled widely up at him, hoping that he would take the hint and move along. And then Serena was clearing her throat lightly, and Jasmine shot her head up a little guiltily, giving her a pained smile. "That didn't take too long."

"Yes, well, they know that speed is of the essence when you're hungry. Good evening, Henrik."

"Serena. I was just seeing how Jasmine was getting along. Since she says she's doing well, I suppose I should ask the same of you?"

Jasmine watched Serena's face closely, seeing the way the bright smile she plastered on her lips never quite reached her eyes, and it seemed like Hanssen picked up on the same thing, since he reached out and rested his hand on her shoulder. Serena shook her head a little as she handed the plates to Jasmine before turning back to face him. "I'm doing as well as can be expected. There are days when I forget that I can't just call Elinor up and talk to her, of course, but I think that will always be the case. However, I know that there are brighter days ahead. Right?"

He tipped his head to one side as he looked at Serena. "Yes, there are. However, you'll only find them if you continue to get help."

Serena nodded absently as she slipped past him to slip into the bench across from Jasmine. "And I will. I want to get better."

Those words were hollow to Jasmine's ears and Hanssen met her gaze, his look turning infinitely sad. She dipped her chin a little, acknowledging the look, and he gave her a small smile. "I'm glad to hear that. I'll just leave the two of you to your meal, then, and will see you tomorrow."

As he walked off into the night, Jasmine looked at Serena, seeing that she had been breaking up her sandwich into tiny pieces when Jasmine hadn't been watching. "It's nice to have someone looking out for you," she murmured as she picked up her coffee and took a sip. It was perfect, and she let out a soft sound of pleasure as she set the cup aside.

"It is. But it also gets a bit much when you have your boss and your partner hovering over you, trying to get you to be open and free with feelings that you don't really wish to talk about. Ever." The bitter cast of Serena's voice took her aback, and she pursed her lips to keep from asking the question that sprang to mind. "Ask it."

She swallowed thickly before looking down at her sandwich and breaking off a small piece. "Why are you so upset tonight?" As soon as she had asked her question, she popped the bite into her mouth, needing to put some space between the two of them.

"Evie Fletcher was on the ward today."

"I know." She tried to keep the jealous tone out of her voice, but she still winced a little to hear it appear. "She seems to get on with you quite well."

"It appears that all motherless daughters seem to get on with me better than my own daughter did." Jasmine immediately teared up at those words, slipping her hand across the table, holding it palm up. It didn't take long to feel the cool touch of Serena's skin slipping against hers, and she let her lips twitch up a tiny bit before closing her fingers around said hand. "She told me that she texts her mother when she's missing her too much. So I texted Elinor."

There was a slight pause as they both took a bite of food with their free hands. "And?" she gently prodded, knowing that it would do the woman good to get it out of her brain.

"I stupidly expected her to answer me back."

Jasmine tightened her hold on Serena's hand before taking a small sip of coffee, trying to find the right words to say that wouldn't hurt the woman any more. "That's really not stupid, Serena." She squeezed her hand tightly before drawing it back, wrapping both hands around her mug and holding it to her chest. "I wish that I could get one more text from my mum. Or hear her voice one last time." She drew in a shallow breath. "Do, do you have any voice messages from her?"

"Yeah." She looked up to see Serena staring at her, an infinitely sad smile on her lips. "I think I listen to them a little too much. But it is so good to hear her voice. My beautiful girl with her beautiful voice." The first tears started to roll down her face, and Jasmine nodded a little as she took another sip of her coffee before setting the mug aside and tucking into her sandwich in earnest, wanting to give Serena a bit of a buffer to collect herself.

They ended up eating in tandem, and this settled Jasmine more than she would have thought. Giving Serena a tiny smile, she finished off the toastie and then opened the pastry bag and pulled out the confection, breaking it in half before taking a small bite. "I wish that I had that of my mum. I, I've forgotten the sound of her voice, and it hasn't even been that long since she died."

"My mum's voice was the first thing I forgot, too." Serene reached across the table to rub her hand gently. "Her quilt still smells like her, though."

"She smelled of lilacs?"

Serena's face crumpled a little as she nodded. "Yes. How did you…oh, that night you were over and slept in our room. The quilt still retains her scent, and I wish that it was stronger. I don't wash it, for fear of losing that connection with her. Because it's more than just perfume." Jasmine nodded as she threaded their fingers together, eating the last of her pastry before setting aside the plates and turning her focus solely on Serena.

"I totally get that, and I feel honoured that you allowed me to use your quilt."

"We have to use it, it can't go to waste. I just can't wash it." Again, she nodded as Serena tightened her grip on her hand. "I'm glad you understand."

"Completely." She took another sip of her drink, the rapidly cooling coffee now more distraction than necessity. "I was so jealous today."

"Why? You were able to assist Bernie in theatre, weren't you?"

"Yeah. But…" Her voice trailed off as she thought about the reason for her jealousy – a teenage girl getting to spend time with Serena. It was utterly ridiculous, and exactly the sort of dangerous ground that Bernie and Hanssen had warned her she was walking. How could she vocalise that feeling without sounding completely ridiculous? Still, Serena gazed at her, and Jasmine felt like she was being dared to open up to her mentor, even though she didn't really want to. "You were spending so much time with Evie, and I am such a numpty."

"Jas…"

"I am! I was fucking jealous of a girl because she was spending time with you. Which just proves them all right, you know. We have gotten a little too close for comfort, but I don't want to think about that. All I want, truly, is for us to be normal. But that's not ever going to happen, is it? Our relationship will never be uncomplicated, or normal, or anything like what Morven and Bernie have." The grip on her hand turned almost painful. "And now I'm hurting you, which is the last thing that I ever wanted. Fuck, I screw everything up!"

Serena loosened her grip a little, shaking her hand free of Jasmine's in order to lean in over the table and cup Jasmine's cheek, her thumb brushing along her cheekbone. "Darling, we're going to poke at sore points in each other, in a way that Bernie and Morven never will. We're both grieving a loss that has left similar holes in our souls, and that has bonded us much closer as a result."

Jasmine nodded, looking up into her mentor's eyes. "So, you don't think that we're a little too close for comfort?"

"Perhaps, but are you really that bothered by it?"

"No." Serena gave her a tiny smile as she removed her hand and sat back down, focusing on her own sweet.

"Though I know that Bernie and Henrik probably think that we're going to go off the rails at some point. Maybe they're right, but I'd rather be going off the rails with you and them, then on my own. I don't want to be alone. But I think that I might end up that way."

"Oh, Serena, no. We'll always be by your side, because we all care for you."

Tears made her vision a bit blurry, and Jasmine sighed a little as she curled up a little against the wall, bringing her mug with her as she continued to gaze at Serena. The woman copied her pose, and she was reminded of a time, two months ago, when they had been in Albie's, sharing a drink with Bernie. "Be that as it may, you cannot deny the writing on the wall. There are parts of me, of us, that push people away. At least you have people that still defend you."

The defeated tone in Serena's voice hurt so deeply, and she shook her head a little as she sipped at her coffee. A jagged silence fell over them, and Jasmine let out a tiny sigh as she slipped her hand across the table, staring out across the room. The feel of Serena's hand in hers made her breath catch in her throat, and Jasmine swallowed her sob, knowing that she couldn't cry anymore that evening. "I will always defend you, Serena." She gave her mentor's hand a soft squeeze before finishing her coffee and setting the mug on the table. "I, I think I need to settle in for the evening. I don't get the best sleep in the on-call room."

"You can always come over to my home. You're always welcome."

Jasmine turned her face to look at Serena, shaking her head a little. "I, I, that wouldn't be for the best, not tonight. I'm not abandoning you, but you need to spend time with Jason and Bernie. They're your family."

Serena's expression told her everything she needed to know, and Jasmine slowly drew her hand back to tug on her dungarees. "Yeah, they are. I'll see you tomorrow, then."

"Yes, Serena." Jasmine slid across the seat and stood up. Something rooted her to the spot, however, and she focused on Serena's hands, the way they held too tightly to her mug, and the words that had been fluttering on her tongue moments earlier suddenly flew free. "I love you."

Turning on her heel before the woman could respond, Jasmine fled the coffee shop and took the stairs up to AAU, heading immediately for the on-call room and not stopping until she had closed the door and collapsed on the bed. She had no idea what had possessed her to be so forward, but there was no calling the words back now. The doorknob rattling caught her attention, and she looked up to see Ollie enter the room, a wave of relief sweeping over her as she beckoned him inside. He, at least, she could deal with and not have to worry about explaining the purely idiotic words that had tumbled from her lips.


	11. Chapter 11

Serena could only stare at the wall as she tried to comprehend the depth of her despair. There was no way that she could tell Jason that Elinor's heart had died for a second time, not when it truly seemed like he had turned a corner on his grief. Instead, she absently drank her bottle of shiraz, listening as he talked about what he liked about sushi and trying not to make biting comments that she didn't mean. "Jasmine looked really sad today, Auntie Serena. And she kept saying sorry to me. She even wrote that in Elinor's condolence book. What would she have to be sorry for?"

She stilled, the glass pressed to her lips, and looked at Jason out of the corner of her eye. She knew exactly what Jasmine was sorry for, but after everything that had happened in theatre that evening, she wasn't certain that she could put it into words without letting bitterness pour out of her. Jason gave her an odd look, which told her that she needed to explain for him. "She feels responsible for Elinor's passing. There were a few signs that she missed, and she withheld some vital information about her that might have changed the course of fate. That was not to be, however, and now she thinks that she has to look after me, to atone for her hand in my daughter's death. She should have been the one to die."

The instant the words were out of her mouth, she regretted them. Jason's eyes widened a little as he shook his head. "How can you say that, Auntie? She has been so kind to you, looking out for you when none of your other friends have been so faithful. Behind Bernie, she's the only one who came to the house to check on us, and love us. It's not like you to be so mean."

His words hurt, and she set the glass aside, suddenly finding the taste of wine bitter to her tongue. Just as she went to reply to him, someone knocked on the door, and she turned to see Matteo standing there, gentle concern shining in his eyes. "I was hoping to find you still here," he said lowly as he stepped into her office.

Serena found that she couldn't keep his gaze, and she bowed her head a little to stare at her desktop, her hands folded over her stomach. "What do you need?" she asked, trying to keep her words light and easy.

"I need you to come with me."

She shook her head, her lips pursed into a flat line. "I don't think so. I need to run Jason home, this is his first shift back, and…"

"Actually, I can take him home, Serena, so Mister Rossini can talk with you. Are you ready?"

"I guess so, Bernie. I'll see you at home later, Auntie Serena?" She nodded absently as she looked at her partner, hating to see the soft look of disappointment that was on her face. Jason hugged her before going to meet Bernie at the door, and she fought to keep from breaking down entirely.

"You will be home quickly?"

"As quickly as I can be." It seemed like there was more to say, more to explain, but Bernie just smiled sadly before making her way to the coat tree and grabbing her jacket, slipping it on before coming to her side and kissing her forehead softly. "I love you," she whispered against her cheek, feeling Bernie nod in response.

Matteo cleared his throat a little, and they moved apart, Bernie heading to Jason's side before giving her a small wave. She waved back before turning her attention to Matteo, staring at his chin to give the appearance of eye contact. The door to their office closed, and she let out a shaky breath as she watched Matteo's chin drop, as if he was going to say something. Instead, he, too, let out a shaky breath before coming over to her side and taking the seat that Jason had just vacated. "When did you figure out what had happened?"

"When I let Jason read the letter Jo wrote me. She used the same phrase twice, and whilst I know that it could have been mere coincidence, I went and looked into her medical file a little more closely, and wouldn't you know? She had a heart transplant the same day that I took Ellie off life support. Putting two and two together came up with Jo having her heart."

He nodded a little as he reached out and placed his hand on her upper arm, his thumb caressing her bicep tenderly. "You were never supposed to know who received her heart. And then it was a sick twist of fate that an accident would bring Jo here. I'm sorry that you've lost her twice."

"I couldn't tell Jason the truth. He wanted to go to the cemetery earlier, but that's off the table, now that he thinks Elinor's heart is beating in someone else's chest." She met his eyes, and almost started crying to see how gently he was gazing at her. "But don't you have to get home to Jac?"

"She can wait. There were other things that took precedence this evening. Jasmine was crying almost as hard as you, and she wouldn't talk with me. Do you know why that is?"

Though his words were soft, there was a current of iron beneath them, and Serena blushed guiltily as shrugged. "I think I said something in the heat of anger that I might not have meant. We've been so close to each other, ever since Elinor passed. That made my words more cutting. But I feel like I'm turning into a person that I don't like."

It was easy to confide in him, he had been the last person to hold Elinor's beating heart, and he didn't know her, not really. "Tragedy often magnifies facets of ourselves that we don't want to acknowledge. Have you really worked through your grief?"

Her therapist had asked the same question of her at their last session, and she had rebuffed him, knowing she couldn't truthfully answer. Matteo asking the same question made her think that fate truly was a cruel bitch, bringing to the forefront of her mind that she hadn't really dealt well with things, and that she wanted nothing more than to hold her beautiful girl in her arms once more. "I'd like to think I have."

"And I'd like to think that I am God's gift to women. Sadly, I think that we are both far off the mark in our assessment of ourselves." The self-deprecating smile on his lips seemed to match her feelings, and she gave a tiny nod. "It's never too late to apologise, you know. It is easier to move on that way."

"Perhaps," she murmured, feeling tears fill her eyes once more that day. "Matteo?"

"Yes, Serena?"

"Thank you." Her words were mumbled, but he seemed to completely understand her intent, since he squeezed her arm a little before standing up. "Enjoy your evening."

"I'll try. And be gentle with yourself, Serena. Grief takes time to unpackage, and you shouldn't force anything. It will only make things worse for you in the end."

She nodded absently, letting her eyes lose focus so she could stare at nothing. Serena barely acknowledged Matteo's gentle hand patting her back before he left the office and closed the door with a soft click. As soon as she knew that she was alone, Serena buried her face in her hands and let herself openly sob for everything that she had lost that day.

It wasn't enough that Elinor's heart had given out once more, or that Jasmine had tried to comfort her, or that Jason just didn't fathom how much she was keeping from him, since she didn't want to overwhelm him with emotion. No, she had to now contend with Bernie's disappointment and Matteo's concern. Where had that been when she had first lost Elinor? Why was it him and not Raf or Sacha or Henrik that had sought her out tonight to make certain she was okay?

Roughly swiping at her cheeks, she stood up and went over to the coat rack, grabbing her coat and purse before stalking out of her office, locking the door and making her way down to the on-call room. A part of her wanted to apologise to Jasmine, to try and make her understand that she had spoken out of her anguish, but she didn't know how well received that would be.

Taking a deep breath, she paused outside the room and opened the door, ready to speak at a moment's notice, if Jasmine didn't speak first. As the door swung in, she was startled to find the lights off, and she frowned deeply as she flipped the switch, flooding the small room with harsh fluorescent light. The bed was neatly made, and while some of Jasmine's belongings were stuffed beneath the bed, there was no other trace of her in the room.

Biting her lip a little, Serena drifted over to said bed and sat heavily before stretching out on the mattress and staring up at the ceiling. With the young woman gone, there was no way to even begin to say anything to her, to begin to atone, and the longer she ruminated, the more she thought that this was the world's way of saying that there was nothing that she needed to apologise for. Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and Serena pulled it out to gaze at the screen, seeing Bernie's name on the display. "Hello?" she asked quietly, turning on her side to face the wall.

"Are you done speaking to Matteo? I was thinking I could pick you up?"

"Yeah, come back and pick me up." There was a short pause. "I'll be in the peace garden when you get here."

"Oh, of course. That would be a good place to visit."

"Yes. And Bernie?"

"Yeah?"

"Stay tonight?"

"Of course."

They hung up, and Serena sighed as she flopped onto her back once more. The doorknob rattled, and she raised herself up onto her elbows to see who was coming in. "Oh! Ms Campbell!"

"Jasmine, I, I'm glad you're here. Do, do you have time to talk?"

The young woman violently shook her head, her blonde ponytail swinging back and forth as she backed out of the doorway. "I have to go see if Jac is still here. I think she wanted me to watch Emma tonight. Bye!"

Jasmine fled from her presence, and that was all it took for Serena to start crying once more. Getting up from the bed, she shrugged into her coat and made her way outside, her feet instinctively heading for the peace garden. Stopping in front of her mother's tree, Serena fell to her knees and let herself sob, the harsh cries hurting her throat as she poured out her feelings. "I've destroyed yet another relationship, Mummy. I told a girl, young enough to be my daughter, that I wished she was dead. What have I become, Mummy? How can I make this better? I'm so far down in the canyon of my grief that I can't even see the light anymore. Jasmine was walking beside me, guiding me back up towards the light. And now, even she's gone. I haven't told Bernie just how deep and dark my heart is, I don't want to burden her with this despair. Jasmine knew, Mummy, she just knew, and understood, and loved me. And I ruined that."

Serena's sobs choked out her words, and she rocked back and forth a little as she sought to self soothe, wishing that Bernie would arrive quickly, and help put her out of her misery. A warm hand closed over her shoulder, and she looked up to see Jasmine standing there, tears streaming down her face. Her mouth fell open to say something, anything, when the young woman shook her head, instead shrugging and holding open her arms. Serena nodded a little as she clumsily got to her feet, her head hanging low as her feet refused to step forward. So Elinor, no, Jasmine closed the tiny distance between them and hugged her tightly. "We need to talk, but not tonight. Not when we're both still so raw, yeah?"

All she could do was nod against Jasmine's shoulder as her arms closed around her slim waist, holding her. The silence was oppressive, heavy, as if there was too much baggage between them to make this easy or kind. It was still a comfort to be in her arms, cold though it was. She quickly lost all sense of time, only coming to awareness once more when she smelt the familiar scent of Bernie.

"Well, this is a sight I like to see," her lover said lowly as she closed her hand around Serena's upper arm. "Thank you for coming out to the garden, Jasmine, and keeping her company while I returned here. Have a good night."

Jasmine nodded a little, her head still buried in the crook of Serena's neck. And Serena, too, felt loathe to let go of this tender connection, knowing that the moment they parted, things would once more be at sixes and sevens between them. Turning her head a little, she pressed hesitant lips to Jasmine's cheek, feeling her return the gesture moments later. "I still love you," she murmured in Serena's ear before pushing away from her and turning to run into the hospital.

"Did you apologise?"

"She didn't want to talk, said that we could when things weren't so jagged between us."

Bernie let out a soft groan as she enclosed Serena in a warm hug, tucking her underneath her chin as she rubbed Serena's back. "You probably should have ignored her wishes in this case, Serena. It's not the best idea to let things fester between you for any length of time. I don't want to see your heart getting destroyed any further."

"I think it's a little too late for that, Bernie. I'm not certain there's any heart left to smash, honestly. You're holding the pieces of it in your heart, and I think that she might still have a shard or two in her possession, but other than that? Everything is in smithereens."

"Shh, don't say that," Bernie said before kissing her forehead lightly. "Your heart is a little bruised, it's been battered and assailed, but you were turning the corner there, I thought. Why have you started drinking again?"

That was the question she didn't want to answer, but she knew that her lover deserved an answer of some sort. "The pain of today. I was doing fine, until Jo died. I had a small, tiny, sliver of hope which was dashed upon the rocks today. I told Jasmine that I wished she was the one in the morgue." Bernie sucked in a low breath. "I know, it was a low blow."

"Jac is going to be on the warpath now, you realise. She was mad enough when she thought you were bullying Jasmine. That, though? That is beyond the pale. What were you thinking, Serena?"

"Honestly?" Bernie nodded, and she frowned before stepping closer to Bernie once more, resting her head on her shoulder before shoving her hands in Bernie's pockets, needing to warm them somehow. "I don't think I was thinking. I reacted purely out of emotion. And I hurt us both."

"An apology will go a long way."

"I know. I just…" She broke off and sighed, shaking her head. "Take me home now, please."

Bernie nodded a little before kissing her once more. "Jason's already headed up to bed, his first day back took more out of him than he realized."

"Okay." Bernie led her over to the car, and Serena wordlessly slipped in, settling herself in the passenger seat and buckling the belt as Bernie got in. "Bernie?"

"Yes, Serena?"

"Maybe I am just my mother's daughter, after all. She was cruel, so cruel, to me at times. And it seems like I have that same streak in me." She closed her eyes, feeling a wave of pure exhaustion sweep over her. "I never wanted to be cruel. I hate myself."

"Don't say that, Serena!" She turned her head towards Bernie, never opening her eyes. "Hate what happened to Elinor. Hate what happened to Jo. Do not hate yourself for having strong emotions. I would worry even more about you if you were cold, emotionless." Bernie caressed her hair, and Serena sighed, wondering just how right Bernie was to not be so worried about her.


	12. Chapter 12

Fletch was waiting for her still when Jasmine went through the doorway, a silly smile still plastered on her lips. "What did she say to you?" he asked as they started down the stairs, their pace much more relaxed than it had been ten minutes ago.

"Can I keep that to myself? At least for a little while longer?" He gave a small nod before threading his arm through hers. The warm, fuzzy, feeling that filled her body at the kind gesture seemed to be par for the course for the end of her day, and Jasmine blinked rapidly to keep from crying. "But you know? I think everything is finally going to be okay. I think we've finally turned the corner on the bitterness and pain. I just wish that it hadn't gotten to this point. I wish that I could have done something more to make certain that it wouldn't have gotten to this point."

"You're an F1, Jasmine."

"Yeah, but she is my mentor." She took a deep breath before stopping them at the next landing and looking up into his eyes. "And maybe she's a little more than that to me. We allowed lines to get a little blurred between us, which allowed things to spiral downwards so quickly. But I'm glad that I was there for her."

"You're loyal, that's what you are," Fletch replied giving her a cheeky grin. "And I do hope this means that you're sticking with us. I would hate to see you go."

Jasmine returned the smile as she nodded. "I really don't see myself anywhere else but here. Holby is home, and family, and everything good in my life. Even if I have made so many mistakes. But that's okay, according to Serena. That's how you learn."

He gave a small nod in return before they started down once more, and Jasmine felt a lightness in her heart that hadn't been there in months, ever since Elinor had passed. It had seemed that tonight, with all the drama that had taken place, her ghost had finally moved on from her shoulder, leaving her at peace. "And do you think she'll be back for the rest of her shift?"

Jasmine paused for a long beat. "I don't think so. She was more than a bit drunk, and it wouldn't be safe to allow her on the ward. I think that we can cover for them both, though, don't you?"

"Perhaps," Fletch replied as he opened the door for their floor, guiding her onto AAU. Hanssen was standing in the consultant's office, a pensive look on his face, and she glanced back at Fletch, giving him a warm smile as she let go of his arm and drifted towards their CEO. "Oi! Where are you going?"

"Don't worry, I won't abandon you. I just need to talk to Hanssen for a moment." Fletch shook his head a little as he went over to the nurse's station and began to look through charts and prioritise the patients that remained. She drew in a deep breath as she made the rest of the short journey to the office. Knocking softly on the door, she waited until he looked up at her before she entered. "They're on the roof."

"I know, Ms Burrows. Serena has spent a lot of time there lately, when she thinks no one will miss her. The real question here is, are you staying?" He held up her resignation letter, and Jasmine blushed a little as she took a seat behind Bernie's desk, needing the slight buffer zone between them at that moment.

"I am. This is home. Home where my feet might leave, but not my heart."

"Ah, Oliver Wendell Holmes. Strange that you would quote an American poet at a time like this, but how very fitting. Did you get an opportunity to speak with Serena?" She nodded. "And did she tell you that she will be taking a small sabbatical?"

Jasmine gasped as she shook her head. "No. I just assumed she'd be back in a few days. Does, does she have to leave?"

He tipped his head to one side as he also took a seat, steepling his fingers beneath his chin as he regarded her closely. The scrutiny made her squirm a little, but then his face was relaxing into a tender smile. "I rather think that you know that answer, Ms Burrows. Serena needs some space before she can come back here, there needs to be a time where she can clear away whatever is haunting her so that she doesn't keep seeing her daughter's face when she looks at you."

The blush returned to her cheeks as she looked away from him. "She needed someone to look out for her. There wasn't anyone but Bernie and Jason, and while family is nice, you want friends by your side, too, and you were away. Someone had to step up, and why not me?"

Her chin tilted up stubbornly, and he arched an eyebrow before setting his hands on the desk in front of his as he leaned forward a little to regard her carefully. "You are loyal to a fault, Ms Burrows, and that may just prove to be your undoing, in the end. But thank you."

"For what?"

"For refusing to leave her side, no matter what your sister wanted you to do. For seeing who Serena really is, behind the grief of losing her daughter. For nudging me in the right direction and being gracious and kind when you could have destroyed her career."

"I could never have done that, sir. I love her." Happy tears stung her eyes as she realized that that was still true, that she still did harbor soft feelings for her mentor. From the nonplussed look on Hanssen's face, Jasmine knew that this wasn't news to him, and she shrugged again, letting a wide smile tug her lips upwards. "She thinks I'm brilliant. And beautiful. But it's the brilliant part that means more to me."

"Why do you think that is?"

She thought carefully before answering him. "It means more to me. Because she sees my heart, and knows my worth. Isn't that worth more than all the pretties and cutes in the world?"

He dipped his head in agreement. "That is a most accurate assessment, Ms Burrows. It would seem that you learned quite a bit under your mentor's tutelage." Jasmine nodded. "See that you keep those words in mind, then, as you sally forth into uncharted waters."

"I'll try." She raised her shoulders a little as her smile widened. "And thank you for understanding. There aren't many CEOs who would be quite so kind." Getting up from her seat, she made her way over to the door before giving him a small wave. "I'd hug you, but that's a little inappropriate, or so I'm told."

"Indeed." A small giggle slipped from her lips at that, and as she turned her back and left the office completely, she was relieved to hear him chuckle as well.

Fletch was frantically motioning for her, and she nodded, jogging over to his side and taking a look at the patient who was stretched out on the bed. There was something familiar about the woman, and the more they talked about what had brought her here that evening, the easier it was for her to place the woman. She was so reminiscent of the old Serena, the one who laughed brightly and often, so was so carefree, and Jasmine suddenly understood why Fletch had called her over. He had seen it, too.

"All right, I'm going to have Nurse Fletcher take you for a CT scan, and then we'll find out exactly where your pain originates from. Don't worry, he'll take good care of you."

Helen nodded and then reached out and patted her hand lightly. "You have a kind heart, dear."

Jasmine nodded a little, her smile never diminishing as she watched Fletch and a porter transfer Helen into a wheelchair to be taken for her scan. Once she was gone, Jasmine completed her rounds, bumping into Hanssen once more as she finished the last chart in her bay. "Are you lending a hand here, then, tonight?"

"It would appear so, since our co-leads are still on the roof, leaving the department woefully bereft of doctors. Though it seems like you and Nurse Fletcher are admirably steering this ship to calmer waters. That is entirely what I expected of the two of you."

She fairly beamed with happiness at that compliment. "I had a really good mentor, Mister Hanssen. She taught me I could be more than my mother's daughter, that there was more to me than just a child living in the shadows of a sister she could never become. And somewhere along the line, I've decided that she's right. I am more than what I ever wanted to be when I first started here at Holby. I've made a lot of mistakes, costly ones, but in the end, they've made me who I am. Her protégé, her F1."

She blinked back tears that she hadn't realized would come as she spoke, bring her hand to her lips in order to try and stop herself from really crying. From the corner of her eye, she caught Serena and Bernie entering their office, and for a moment, their eyes met, and Serena gave her a wobbly smile before closing the office door. "You could have worse role models in life, Ms Burrows –."

"Jasmine. You call Serena, Serena, when you're talking about her personally. You can do the same with me. Besides, you make me feel like my mum when you call me that all the time."

"All right, Jasmine, as I was saying, there are worse people out there to model yourself on. And I know that you desperately want to go over to that office and find out what Serena plans to do next, but I also know that you will give her some space, to make her peace with Ms Wolfe before she leaves here tonight."

A guilty blush stained her cheeks as she nodded. "I suppose that you're right, Mister Hanssen. She deserves her privacy, after all the kind words she spoke to me. I just, I kind of want to say goodbye? I mean, I don't know when we'll see her again."

"It's a cold night for April, but the peace garden will be absolutely lovely in about thirty minutes, when your relief arrives."

A grin spread across her lips, and she had to check herself so as not to pull the man into a tight hug. "I do hope you know how overjoyed I am to know that, sir." They nodded to each other, and then she straightened her shoulders a little before reaching out her hand expectantly. Without hesitation, he clasped it tightly, shaking a few times before letting go. "Well, time to chase down some labs," she said, swallowing thickly as she turned and made her way over to the nurse's station, starting to flip through the information on her tablet.

The thirty minutes passed quickly, and then she was glancing up to see Morven sitting down behind the desk. She gave her friend a tiny smile as she passed by her and was relieved to see her smile and wave back. It didn't take long for Jasmine to reach the locker room and change, pulling on her coat before fairly running out to the garden, hoping that she hadn't missed her chance to say a more private goodbye. "Are you still staying in the on-call room?"

She whirled around to face Serena, a tender smile on her lips as she nodded. "Yeah. Morven and I still haven't really made up. I'm trying to give her space, since that what she seems to want."

Her mentor dug around in her pocket before pulling out a ring of keys. "It won't be permanent, I'm going to expect you to find your own place in a few weeks, maybe a month, but stay at my house whilst I'm away, finding myself. Jason will be gone, and someone needs to look after the house. I'm trusting you…"

"I get it. And you can. Will, will you be there tonight?"

Serena shook her head. "No, I'm going to Bernie's tonight. I can't face an empty house." A warm smile spread across her lips even as she shivered. "I have to go now, Bernie's waiting in the car. I really shouldn't drive in my condition." Serena held out her hand hesitantly, and Jasmine nodded as she stepped forward, bypassing the woman's hand to wrap her in a tight hug. It was so hard to keep from crying, knowing that this would be the last time they talked face to face for some time, but she managed to keep it together as Serena rubbed her back softly, turning her head to kiss her temple. "I love you, too."

It was those words that broke the dam on her tears, and she nodded against Serena's shoulder as she pursed her lips to try and not sob aloud. A soft sigh caught Jasmine's attention, and she looked up to see Bernie giving them a bemused smile. "You're not supposed to make your F1 cry, darling."

"She didn't make me cry, Bernie, I did that to myself. At least, out here, I don't have to just do my job. I can be tender and kind. Like my mentor taught me to be." Serena pulled away to look at her, her own eyes swimming with tears. "She saw everything good in me, even when she was going through Hell. I'll never forget that." Jasmine looked up at the sky, letting tears roll down her cheeks as she gathered her thoughts. "And if you are going to travel, I want postcards and emails."

"I think that can be arranged. And perhaps a Skype call or two?"

Jasmine nodded as she wiped away her tears. "That sounds perfect, it really does. I can't wait until you're ready to be back here, but I also can't wait to see your journey. Have a restful evening." Bernie nodded as she slipped her arm through Serena's and led her away. Jasmine couldn't help but watch them walk away, smiling to see the casual way they changed their arms, holding hands as they went to the carpark. "I hope that I can find a love like that," she murmured as she made her way back inside the hospital and up to the on-call room.

Thankfully, no one was around to see her pack up her belongings from the room, and she smiled as she took a look around the small room, making certain that she had grabbed everything. "Headed home at last, Jasmine?"

Hanssen's use of her given name told Jasmine that it was safe to speak freely, and she nodded as she looked up at him. "I am. Well, a home away from home for a spell. Until I find something new." He nodded a little as she sighed. "If you hear of any nice flats that I can afford on an F1's salary, just let me know. I have a month before I have to leave the manse."

"I will keep an ear to the ground, as they say, Jasmine. And if you need any help taking care of the manse, Ms Wolfe knows what to do."

"I would expect nothing less, honestly. But, I really should be getting on…"

"Not without this." He held out his hand, and she was surprised to see a garage door opener there. "There are some details that consistently get overlooked. This is one of them. And if you're going to be there for any length of time, you'll want to park in the garage."

"Oh, yes, perfect, thanks!" Jasmine took the small box from his hand and slipped it into her pocket. "See you tomorrow!" He smiled as she brushed past him to head out to the carpark, ready to start this new chapter of her life.


	13. Chapter 13

_Serena, are you there?_

She picked up her phone and smiled sadly to see Jasmine's words staring up at her. She had meant to keep in contact with the young woman whilst she was on sabbatical, since she was still in her home, looking after Jason, but other than a few hurried texts to Bernie, she hadn't really kept up with anyone. Just as she was about to answer, however, a text from Bernie popped up. _You owe me, Campbell. Morven and Cam are officially a thing. Though Ric insisted on putting a damper on things by intimating that they would go off to London together. I just want to hold on to him a little longer._

A sad sigh slipped from her lips as she tapped out a reply to her lover. _He has to spread his wings and fly, darling. Just like Icarus._

_You and that damned pigeon! (Kidding!)_

_Sure, sure. I miss you._

There was a long pause before Bernie answered her back. _I miss you, too. And I love you._

_Love you, too, Berenice. Talk to you soon._

Setting her phone aside, she was just about to turn in for the night when her phone began to ring. Frowning a little, she picked it back up, seeing that Jasmine was now calling her. "Darling?"

"I hope it's not too late where you are. I just, I needed to hear a friendly voice."

There was a faint note of desperation in Jasmine's voice, and Serena's mothering instinct took over as she stretched back out on the sofa, resting her head on a throw pillow as she stared up at the ceiling. "What's going on in that brain of yours, Jasmine?"

She heard a deep sigh on the other end of the line, and couldn't help but smile. She had heard that sound fall from both Elinor and Charlotte's lips, and knew that Jasmine was preparing to launch into a story to rival all stories. "I'm going to be leaving your house. I'm certain that you're glad to hear that, since it means your freeloader won't be there any longer."

"I never thought of you as a freeloader, Jasmine. You've always been welcome in my home. But where are you going?"

There was a small pause, and another deep sigh. "Morven and I are going to try living together again. She's back with Cameron."

"I know."

"Figures. Let me guess, Bernie told you?"

She chuckled a little as she nodded. "Yeah, I owe her twenty quid now. Maybe I'll pay her in the form of a bottle of wine. She'd like that."

"She would." Another pause that told Serena she wasn't quite getting the whole story from Jasmine. A part of her wanted to poke and pry, to find out why Jasmine was calling her, but another part of her heart told her to wait, to let Jasmine find the words for herself. "I really miss you. I know, you're probably hearing that from so many people, and don't want to hear it from me, but there it is."

The tender yearning was back in Jasmine's voice, and Serena squirmed around on the sofa a little in an effort to get more comfortable. "I actually haven't heard from that many people. Just Bernie, and Jason, and you. Evie's emailed me a few times, but I know that she's probably busy with school and when you're out of sight, you're out of mind for many people. I doubt anyone has even talked about me, for fear of Bernie snapping at them."

Jasmine let out a little giggle, which proved to Serena that she was right, and that stung a little. She had thought that her presence in the hospital would linger at least a little, but it seemed like that was not the case. "Jac is still a little sore at the mention of your name, actually, so I don't talk about you around her. Besides, she and Matteo are having relationship difficulties right now. His wife showed up on Darwin today."

"Wife?"

"Yeah. He's still married. And apparently, they have a son that went missing some years back. The gossip mill went into overdrive when that got out, and it was all over the hospital in less than an hour."

Serena frowned a little as she thought about how kind the surgeon had been to her in the aftermath of losing Elinor once more, how he had instinctively seemed to know how she was feeling, and comforted her in his own gentle way. "So, he's a part of the club, then."

"I'm sorry?"

"No, I'm sorry. That was my bitter self coming out to play." She swallowed thickly. "It's one thing to lose your parents, it's another thing to lose a child. I would never wish this hell on anyone."

"I didn't even think of it that way," Jasmine murmured before she let out a tiny noise of sympathy. "I hope I didn't hurt you."

"No, it's getting easier to talk about Elinor, honestly. And being away has helped me deal with things I couldn't back at Holby. Nice is a lovely place to heal." She didn't quite know why she was revealing to Jasmine where she was, when not even Bernie knew her location, but it felt right in that moment. "Now, we keep circling around to talk about everyone else, and never about you. There's a reason you reached out to me, despite our still having some jagged edges in our relationship. What's bothering you?"

"How did you first know you were bisexual?"

The words came out in such a mad rush that it took Serena a moment or two to parse them, but when she did, a soft sound of contemplation slipped from her lips. "What brought this about, darling?" she asked tenderly, hoping that she could lend some wisdom to the young woman once she knew more about the situation.

"Well, you see, um, when Morven asked me to move back home, my heart just about burst from my chest with happiness. I kissed her. Not on the lips, or anything like that, but still, I kissed her. And it felt right. Like I should be kissing her lips. Which is stupid, because she's probably my best friend in the world, and I don't want to ruin this outreach before we've even come together once more. And she's with Cam, and she's never even talked about liking girls."

There was no room for Serena to get a word in edgewise, as it seemed a dam had broken in Jasmine's heart and her fears and anxieties were just pouring out of her. Finally, though, Jasmine took a breath, and she was able to speak to her. "So, why did you think to call me, then, Jasmine?"

"Because you're the only bisexual that I really know and feel comfortable talking with? How did you know that Bernie was the one for you? Despite her being, well, a woman? Is the sex different? Are the feelings different? I just, there are so many questions I have, that keep swirling around in my mind, and you're not here, where I can look into your eyes and have you calm these fears. Which is why I bothered you now. At least, if I hear your voice, I can be somewhat reassured. So, please, tell me something, anything, that will settle my heart?"

Serena murmured her assent as she turned onto her side and looked out the window. "I suppose that I can do that. I think you had just started with Holby when Fletch was stabbed, yes?"

"Yeah. I was still on Darwin, I think."

"Well, we were the surgeons who worked on him, and afterwards, when Bernie was so full of doubts and fears, I made certain to reassure her that she was brilliant. And then she kissed me." She couldn't stop the dreamy tone that crept into her voice as she remembered that first kiss, so frenzied, so passionate. She hadn't known what to do with her hands, she had been so surprised by it all. "It was overwhelming."

"But did it feel right?"

"Yes."

There was a long pause, as if Jasmine was mulling over that simple declaration. "Were you scared? Because I'm scared. I don't want to lose our friendship."

"Why does it not surprise me that we both have those same fears? Bernie was, is, my best friend, and there was a part of me that was wondering if we had broken something between us by kissing her. But then, after some initial awkwardness, everything just fell back into place."

Serena knew that she was glossing over some of the other hurdles that she and Bernie had faced, but she also knew that Jasmine needed to be reassured in that moment, too. "Then why are you in Nice without her?"

She chuckled a little at the low 'fuck' she heard whispered on the other end of the line, almost imagining Jasmine smacking herself on the forehead. "Because one of us has to keep AAU afloat. And since it couldn't be me right now, it falls on her to keep the ship steered on course. I will tell you something though, advice that I could never take, because I knew she was the one, from the moment of our second kiss."

"And what's that?"

"Figure out who you are. Go to a gay bar. If you don't feel comfortable going to the one in Holby, take a weekend in London. Kissing girls won't do much harm, as long as you're sensible about things. Let your hair down, and see if what you're feeling for Morven isn't more than just a crush because you've been lonely. There are a lot of pretty women out there that wouldn't mind kissing you, darling."

"Serena!"

It was thoroughly adorable to hear how scandalized Jasmine sounded, and she couldn't stop the throaty laugh that tumbled from her lips, despite the fact that she knew the young woman would be blushing like a fire hydrant. "If I were twenty years younger, and single..."

"That doesn't make anything better, you know. There are some thoughts that I do not want in my brain, and kissing you is one of them. You're like my mum, I want to keep things strictly platonic between the two of us. But if I still want to move on, if I want to stay in London?"

"Then I will help you make connections, with the right people, who will be able to guide your career along and make certain that you excel and thrive in whatever place you choose to put down roots. Though I can't say that I won't miss you when I get back to Holby."

They both sighed in unison, and a part of Serena longed to be there by Jasmine's side, stroking her hair, helping her work through her feelings. "I think that's actually why it's easy to move on. You were an anchor to me, a lighthouse, and now you're away, and there's nothing really keeping me here. Jac and I tried to get along, that lasted for all of a minute before we were back to normal. And I know, I whinge too much, I fuck up too much, but all I ever wanted to be was seen. You were one of the few people to really see me."

"Who are the others?"

"Morven and Jason, actually. If I could have perfect happiness in this world, you would be my mum, and I would have a partner that combined all the bits of Jason and Morven that I love. But there is no perfect world, you're not my mum, and I have to leave to find my own place in this world."

Serena ran her fingers through her hair before smiling sadly. "We all have to do that eventually. Just know that you will always have a safe harbor with me. You have my mobile number, you know where I live, and you are welcome any time."

"Thanks, that actually does help quite a bit. Listen, I think I just heard Cam drop Morven off at the door, I left Albie's before they did. Can, can I call again later this week?"

"Of course. Sweet dreams, darling."

"Thank you."

Jasmine cut the conversation off before she had the chance to say anything else, and Serena let the smile slide off her face as she scrolled through her contacts until she reached Bernie's name. Tapping it lightly, she put the phone on speaker as she turned onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. "I get to hear your voice tonight, too? What have I done to deserve the honour?"

"I love you."

"What have you done?"

"Nothing, I just needed to tell you that. Before you start thinking about doing a runner on me again." She let out a scoff as she shook her head. "No, I don't mean it like that. I just talked to someone with a very restless heart, and she reminded me that sometimes we need to check our moor lines."

"Ah, Ms Burrows has gotten to you again, I see. There must be a magnet between your hearts, I swear, Serena."

"It's a much weaker attraction than what lies between us, Berenice. Believe me. She's, she's special to me. And it's a ghost that is getting easier to deal with as the days go by. She's thinking about leaving Holby permanently, you know."

"Really?"

"Yeah, so…I don't know, watch out for her? She's probably the last link I have to Elinor, all things considered, and I don't want to think about losing that, too. Holby just won't seem like home with everyone gone. And I know that people leave, that people change, that people die. I'm a doctor, I've seen that more than any other person. I just wanted to retain some little bit of familiarity when I returned home, you know?"

"I do know, Serena. That was one of the things that I was most grateful for when I returned. Seeing all the faces that were near and dear to my heart, still there, calmed me when I was so nervous about my return. I don't want you to feel that way when you get home."

"As long as I come home to you, first, I think I'll be fine. There will be no hastily wrapped bottles of wine presented in the hospital from me. When I come home, the first gift you're unwrapping will be me."

"Oh, I do like the sound of that, Serena. But are you going to make things easy or hard on me?"

"I still haven't decided on that one, darling. After all, it might be a little scandalous to show up on your doorstep wearing only a fur coat and stilettos."

A soft groan tumbled from Bernie's lips, and Serena knew that she had managed to hit all the right buttons with that bon mot. "Scandal might be most welcome when you come home. Though if you call ahead, well, I might rent us out a presidential suite so that we don't have to worry about cleaning up after ourselves."

"I do so love the way you think, Berenice." A tender smile curved up the corner of her lips as she ran her free hand down her torso to rest on her stomach. "Keep things together for me, yeah?"

She knew that the sudden change in tone would be jarring to Bernie, but she would also be able to keep up with her thoughts. "I am trying my best. Ric and Ollie do not leave me much room for that, though. There is something about the two of them that just breed chaos."

"You thrive on chaos, so that is perfect for you, darling. Take care of them…?"

"As if they were my own," Bernie replied, and she smiled at the tenderness evident in her voice, glad that she had caught the undercurrent to her words, and that someday, everything would be all right again.


	14. Chapter 14

Jac rushed into the bathroom, thankful that she was in a rarely trafficked area of the hospital, so it would be unlikely that anyone saw her break down into tears. It had been difficult enough in theatre, holding onto Jasmine's hand, watching as her life slipped through her fingers, even as Ric and Bernie tried to save her. Staring at her reflection in the mirror, she thought about Damon's words to her, how she had gotten the cheekbones, Jasmine the smile, and a fresh bout of tears coursed down her cheeks as she closed herself in a stall and sat heavily on the toilet, burying her face in her hands as she sobbed.

"She should have gone to St Catherine's," she muttered as she swiped angrily at her cheeks, trying to rid herself of the offending tears. "None of this would have happened if she had just left."

A niggling thought in the back of her mind came to the forefront, and she clenched her jaw as she cleared her throat and stood up, shoving open the door and stalking over to the lift, quickly making her way back up to AAU and storming over to Bernie's office.

The woman was seated behind her desk, her face also buried in her hands, her shoulders softly shaking as she appeared to be staring at a phone in her hands. "This is all your girlfriend's fault, you know," she hissed, and Bernie's head snapped up to look at her, raw pain visible on her face. "If she hadn't been so bloody awful to my sister, she would still be alive. Where is she? I'm going to break the news to her."

"I don't know," she replied brokenly as she glanced back down at the phone. "Whenever we Skype, she's always in a nondescript room, with no clues as to where she might be. I've never pushed her to give me an answer, since I do want her to come home to me."

"That's bullocks, and you know it. Tell me where she is."

"I can't tell you something I don't know. Jasmine…your sister…well, she might have dragged it out of Serena a few weeks ago, but we never got around to having that conversation."

Something broke inside Jac once more when she saw the first tears roll down Bernie's cheeks. She considered the woman to be on par with her in terms of inner strength, and knowing that she, too, was devastated by what had happened earlier. Still, Jac couldn't reach out to her, couldn't give in to that yearning for touch, since it would show the chinks in her armour. "Where's Jasmine's phone?"

Wordlessly, Bernie reached her hand into her pocket and handed the device over. "Do you want to clean out her locker, too?"

"No, someone else can do that. I have work to do."

Spinning around on her heel, she stormed out of the office and back over to lift, only to be stopped short by a familiar, large, hand on her shoulder. "Ms Naylor."

"Henrik. I'm going to find that woman and give her a piece of my mind. Don't try and stop me."

As she stared defiantly up into his eyes, she could see the recent sheen of tears that still wetted them, and pursed her lips to keep from crying once more. "Do you think that wise?"

"Yes."

A deep sigh tumbled from his lips as he guided her onto the elevator, and once they were enclosed inside, turned to face her. "Be gentle. Serena has faced numerous blows in the last two years, and…"

"And I haven't? She nearly bullied my sister into quitting, several times over, became physical with her, and my stupid sister still forgave her? She needs to know what the outcome of her actions are." Her voice had lowered to a hiss, but it was only when Hanssen cocked his head to one side, the sympathy on his face so clear, that she knew she was crying once more. "What?"

"Somehow, I feel when you find Serena, you will not receive the outcome you want, but the one that you need." His hand closed around her shoulder once more, softer this time, and she fought to not completely break down once more. "Remember, now is our time to mourn."

And those were the words that rang through her head as she stepped out of the airport terminal in Nice and shoved on a pair of oversized sunglasses. Glancing down at her phone, she feed the address of Serena's flat into her map app, and saw that it wasn't too far from where she currently was. Adjusting the strap of her bag on her shoulder, she began the start of her four-mile walk.

The time it took to arrive allowed Jac space to clear her mind of all thoughts save one – that Serena would know how much agony Jasmine was in before she passed. Stopping in front of the woman's door, she reached out and knocked firmly, waiting to be let in. The soft sound of footfalls told her that Serena was approaching the door, and she tried not be feel nervous as the door opened.

"Jasmine! You're…oh. Jac. I wasn't expecting you."

"But you were expecting my sister?" The words were caustic, bitter, and she watched Serena flinch a little as she stepped away from the door and motioned for Jac to come inside.

"I was, she was going to take a short trip next week and visit with me. I, I was looking forward to it. But why are you here?"

There was a curiosity in the woman's expression, with a tinge of sadness, as if a tiny part of her brain had already started to put together what the implication of Jac's arrival meant. "I came here to return this."

Slipping her hand into her jacket pocket, Jac closed her fingers around the Head Girl badge that had once belonged to Elinor Campbell and which she had found in Jasmine's locker, hanging on a ribbon with an affirmation of how smart and talented she was, next to a picture of Morven, Bernie, and Serena. The picture she had given to Morven, though she held onto the badge, knowing that it would be the perfect thing to use to make Serena feel all the more guilty.

Serena narrowed her eyes in confusion as Jac handed over the badge, only for quick tears to fill her eyes as she recognized what she had been given. "I gave that to Jasmine."

"And she no longer needs it. Not where she is."

It was heartbreaking, really, to watch sorrow collapse over Serena's features as she clutched the badge tightly to her chest. "Why did you come here?"

"To tell you that my sister is dead. She's in the morgue, right where you wanted her. Are you happy now?"

She seemed to shrink in front of Jac, even as she staggered over to a chair in the hall and sat down heavily, her eyes closing, tears silently dripping down her face. "We made our peace," Serena finally whispered, staring at the badge. "Have, have you had the funeral yet?"

"No, why?"

"Bury this with her. I've lost both my daughters now."

The forlorn sound of her voice shook Jac to the core, revealing to her just how deeply the woman had cared for Jasmine. And just like that, all thoughts of retribution and bitterness fled her heart as she accepted the badge from Serena's outstretched hand, kneeling in front of her as she did so. She looked up into Jac's eyes, not bothering to hide the tears the continued to slip from her eyes. "Come back with me and place it in her hand."

"I can't. I can't bear to look into her beautiful face, so full of youth and promise and intelligence, and tell myself that another life was snuffed out way too soon. My beautiful girls, where did I fail them?"

Jac found herself reaching out with her free hand, closing it around Serena's wrist lightly, trying to find the words that would make the woman look up at her. "Ask me again," she said suddenly, somehow knowing what might begin to soothe both their hearts.

"Ask you what?"

"Before everything went to hell for you, there was a time that you came to my office and asked me a question about Jasmine and myself. Would you ask it again? I think my answer might be different."

Serena drew in a shaky breath as she nodded. "What was your mother like?"

"My mother was a nasty piece of work who tried to infect Jasmine and myself with her poison. The care home may have helped to make certain a portion of it coursed through my veins. Jasmine, though, she got the best of her mother. She learned to see people for who they really are, to find the best self inside the chaos and pain and hell that might be swirling around inside their souls. She got that from you. She saw that in me."

Serena gave her a small nod as she bit her lip a little. "She would have had the world at her feet, you know. She was so brilliant, and caring. Able to wrap even the hardest heart around her finger. Henrik, he genuinely cared for her, despite how things started out for them. What happened? Who hurt her?"

Jac shrugged a little as she got up and stretched. "Do you have a chair I could use?"

"Oh, of course, I'm sorry," Serena stammered as she got out of her chair and slowly moved towards another room. "Follow me." Jac trailed after her, finding herself in a cozy sitting room. Serena pointed to the sofa, and she took a seat, watching as the woman sat at the other end, drawing her legs up to her chest as she stared at the wall.

"We don't really know what happened," she began as she focused her gaze on Serena, watching her face carefully. A grimace passed over her features, and Jac found herself frowning in sympathy. "One of the new F1s found her, in a secluded part of the hospital, and brought her to AAU. Bernie and Ric did everything they could do to save her, but the damage was too extensive."

Serena perked a little at the sound of Bernie's name, but there was still such a sorrowful cast to her expression. And to her surprise, Jac found herself tearing up as well, swiping at her eyes angrily. "Did anyone stay with Bernie? After the surgery? She's lost so much in the last few months, that I worry about her."

"She disappeared while I went to see where Jasmine had been found. You could see her, though, if you came back for the, for the funeral. I know there must be ghosts at Holby, and that Jasmine is just one more, but…I think she loved you, and I know you loved her. Do you need any more reason to come home?"

"No," she finally whispered, rubbing her thumb over the badge as she stared down at the floor once more. "No. I had hoped that the time for tears was passing soon, that I was finally looking ahead to happier days."

"Henrik said something, before I left. He said that now was the time to mourn. And we do have so much to mourn, don't we?" Once more, Serena looked at her, and Jac let a sad smile flicker across her face as she reached out to rub Serena's shoulder gently. "Jasmine was a bit of a numpty, you know. No matter what I said to try and make her see that you weren't worth protecting, forgiving, she would never back down from defending you. I didn't really get that until just now. But the fact that she could see straight through to your heart, and recognize the grief that you were holding on to, well, that says so much about her and you."

"She was always a smart girl, more so than I gave her credit for. She tried to overreach, at times, to prove herself worthy of being on my ward, and I think it was less to do with you and how you rejected her, and more with trying to prove herself to your mother's shadow. There was a lot of insecurity in her."

"Paula always did manage to create that in those who were in her thrall. The care home burned that out of me quite quickly, and I learned how to be certain of who I am. And how to not care about what others thought of me. Jasmine never had the opportunity to learn that."

"Her compassion for others might not have ever allowed her to learn that. It was a great strength, her empathy and connection to others." Serena sniffled a little before gently flicking away the remaining tears that stained her cheeks. The first hint of a true smile began to gather about the corners of her lips, and Jac wondered what she was thinking of. "She had a crush on Morven, you know."

Jac shook her head, letting out a low, disbelieving, scoff. "No."

"Yes. She called me a few weeks ago, asking how I knew I was bisexual. I told her that with Bernie, everything just felt right, but that she should go out and experience for herself what kissing girls was like, before she decided to settle on who she was attracted to. Bernie is the only woman I've ever kissed, and I don't feel like I missed out on anything, but I wanted Jasmine to experiment in a safe space. Can you imagine it, though? The future power couple to take over AAU when Bernie and I moved on."

"Perish the thought." Jac rolled her eyes a little, but she was soon smiling as well, thinking about how that might have gone down. "Though the ward would be in good hands with them, if they took their cues from the two of you." Serena nodded, and Jac went to say something more when her stomach growled, reminding her that she hadn't eaten since early that morning.

"I could make you something to eat, and we could swap some more stories? I feel like there's so much I don't know about Jasmine. Maybe if we put our pieces together, we'll have a larger bit of the whole?"

There were tears starting to gather in the corners of her eyes once more, and Jac nodded hurriedly, desperate to keep the lightness to their interaction, rather than the heavy sorrow that had permeated the air just moments ago. "I hope so," she replied softly as they got off the sofa. Serena paused and cocked her head to one side, a shocked laugh escaping her lips as she shook her head. "What?"

"I said those words to Bernie months ago, on the roof. There's no way you could have known that, but it feels good to hear that come from your lips. Almost as if it were fated for me to come back for the…" Jac nodded hurriedly before things could get too maudlin once more. "I don't think I'll be ready to stay at Holby."

"I don't blame you, not really, for anything that went down. You were grieving, and I don't think any of us have healthy coping skills."

Serena shrugged as she opened the door to the refrigerator, looking at what was in there. "Yes, well, keep calm and carry on, you know." Jac smiled bitterly to herself as she took a seat at the table and watched Serena work, hoping that she could find some measure of peace, and rise above being her mother's daughter. She owed that much to Jasmine.


End file.
